The Opposition

I remember the day that I realized for the first time that my jealousy was a sin. God had given us a beautiful little girl through adoption, but that had been 2 years before and, more than anything, I wanted to be pregnant. So when close friends announced the news that they were expecting after trying for only one month, I was devastatingly "hurt".

Have you ever noticed that, when you hurt, it is always someone else's fault and not your own? Isn't that convenient! Back and forth I went with God about my pain, round and round in bitterness and anger, always asking "why me?". I hated being "hurt", but the funny thing is that I never seemed to want to let go of it either.

I have found that being "hurt" is just an easy detour sign from dealing with my own sin. When you follow the signs of your hurt, you avoid the signs the Spirit puts up to convict you of your sin. So there I was, faithfully following the wrong signs, even though they kept bringing me back to the same place. There I would be today if God, in His grace, had not gotten my attention with a sign of His own.

I was reading the Bible, clueless to its sword-like quality, when the Spirit showed me what was in my heart. There, on God's "billboard", in big letters and in all its ugliness, was JEALOUSY. I was horrified to realize that, for as long as I could remember, I had given in to jealousy. I had carried that despicable thing around with me everywhere, but had never given it a name, never really acknowledged that it was sin. At 30 years of age, I had been a Christian for 22 years, gone to church all my life, served many summers at camp, two years of Bible College, 12 years of ministry with children, and married 7 years, and yet I had never been broken like that, never cried over my sin, never confessed before God that I was wrong.

What an amazing relief I felt! It was like I had been cleaned up and made beautiful. It felt good to know that the Lord had done this and that I would be a better tool in His hands. Now that I had felt the dagger of conviction, I wasn't about to give in to that sin again.

Ha! Obviously I underestimated my flesh. It wasn't long before I was back struggling with the same thing. Okay, so I was back in the sin, but at least, now I was better able to catch it before it got out of hand, right? Not! Oh, how I wish that it had been true, but instead, I would let it go on long enough til I would inevitably find myself stuck, deep in muck.

Can you relate? I would love to hear what you think.