Weakness says....

You know what I dislike about weakness?
Weakness makes me dependent.
Weakness forces me into neediness, and that word makes me suck in air like I just took a stomach punch to my pride.
Though we are born into this world needing everything done for us, before we are even a year old, we begin to rebel against such dependency. Why is that? What makes us work so hard to be independent? Are we better off when we don't need anyone, are we stronger?

I remember reading David's words he wrote about himself, "As for me, I am poor and needy" and being struck with just how hard I work at not having to say something like that about myself. I like to think I'm  strong and self-sufficient. It's alright to be needed, but to be needy is something altogether different. To be needed says to me that I am valuable and I like that. If, however, I find myself not needed, my flesh takes a hit. If I find myself weak and in need of help from others, my pride is even further insulted.

None of us are good at everything, but we sure would like to be. It seems shameful for others to discover our inadequacies, so we mask our weakness by making friends with those who are strong where we aren't. Sadly though, using someone else's strength eventually backfires, leaving you feeling even weaker and more inadequate than before. Constantly comparing yourself and finding yourself lacking just makes you resent your weakness and your dependence. Weakness has morphed into not being good enough; it's been swallowed up by flesh. It has become the accuser, the constant nagging doubter against your sufficiency. The friends you depend on become reminders of your failure. Fear grows with the realization that they have the power to hurt you, driving you to lash out at them or run from them.
You're no better off than before, surrounded by relationships destined to fail in resentment and fear. Your attempts to hide weakness, to imitate strength only leave you destitute, angry and full of self-pity. Something has gone terribly wrong! At any moment, the monster inside reaches out and shows its ugliness. You've lost control of this flesh that seems to now be controlling you, and you wonder how you got to this point, convinced you are worthless, still afraid that others will discover how weak you are. Like a magnet, weakness attracts every negative thought possible. You try to fling it away, but it just slams right back on you.

That's what happens when flesh takes charge of weakness, and believe me, it is the most natural thing in the world.  It also makes you forget that you're a dead man walking, convincing you that you are too strong to die.

An amazing thing happens when the Spirit takes over our weakness; God comes in and accomplishes things we never dreamed possible. We are awed by His greatness and humbled by our smallness, but not once are we dismayed or discouraged by our inadequacy. Not once do we compare ourselves to God and resent Him for his strength. Instead, we are grateful for our limitations because without them we would never know God's creative power in our lives.

Paul wrote to the Corinthians,
"We were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8b-9

I wonder at our lunacy sometimes. It seems insane that we would make every effort to rely on ourselves when we could be depending on the power that raises the dead! Are we blind or stupid?
Honestly!

Weakness doesn't have to belong in the hands of flesh. Flesh doesn't have the right to use weakness to slap me in the face, and I don't have to react by trying to prove I'm not weak. Ha! Take that, Pride!
Weakness says power from God.
Now, if only I could remember that!

The Breaking of Jacob

It's a fact, we are weak.
It's also a fact that we can't believe that we are so weak.
We struggle with that, surprised and dismayed that we are too weak to resist temptation.
Weakness disappoints us, hurts our pride.
The last thing we would want to do is embrace weakness.
Can we all agree, at least, that we are much more familiar with weakness than we like to admit, much better at putting on a good show of strength when we actually feel completely weak inside?

Jacob the Supplanter
"In the womb, he took his brother by the heel." Hosea 12:3
Oh the trouble we get into when our scheming works! What a false sense of trust we gain from our ability to manipulate! Jacob was quite clever at concocting elaborate plans, tricking his father and stealing his brother's blessing. Granted, his schemes didn't always turn out perfectly, but that didn't keep him from using trickery and deceit to get his way. But now, as he returns home after many years, fear of his brother Esau's revenge is greater than confidence in his plan to sweeten Esau with gifts of livestock sent in waves ahead of him. In the dark and alone, Jacob suddenly finds himself wrestling, not with his thoughts, but with a person.
Why is Jacob struggling, fighting with this man?
How in the world did he end up in a wrestling match with a perfect stranger?

Jacob the Contender
"In his maturity, he contended with God." Hosea 12:3
Jacob wrestled all night, refusing to let go, and in the process he was both blessed and broken.
He got up from this struggle weaker than when he started, left with a permanent limp.
Jacob wrestled with God.

In our own strength, we resist God, refusing to be broken, but brokenness is the sacrifice that God desires, the kind of weakness that pleases Him, the kind He uses to make us strong.
David prayed,
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm. 51:17
Hannah prayed,
"The bows of the mighty are broken, but the feeble bind on strength."  1 Samuel 2:4

Like Jacob, I wrestle with God, I wrestle with His plans for me. Wanting God to bless me with an easier life, I refuse to give up.
But am I prepared to accept what comes with the wrestling, am I prepared for Him to break me?

Can you ever see weakness as the place where you find strength and bind it on?
Could you embrace weakness instead of fighting it?
Could you ever imagine surrendering to weakness instead of wrestling against it?

"I have been wrestling all through the night 

the darkness hides the face of the one I fight 

Beloved Enemy demands my life and all I am 

But then He blesses me and gives it back again

Here I lie broken at Your feet

Rejoicing at this Magnificent Defeat"

words by Wes King

It could be the most magnificent defeat you will ever know!

A Place called "Weak"

I tend to think of Weakness as this place I go to by accident. Not only am I disappointed that I didn't arrive where I wanted to be, but I'm frustrated because I was trying to avoid this place altogether. "Why am I here again!", and "I don't want to be here!" keep screaming in my head. I feel angry, afraid, trapped, hopeless. There is something suffocating about this place that makes me feel desperate. I'm embarrassed for having come to Weakness in spite of all my efforts to avoid it. Nothing is going the way I want it to go, and I'm struggling with my failure to do anything about it, struggling with my failure to be strong, struggling with the thought that People will think I'm weak, and  get the wrong impression of me.

Have you been there too?

{I've said it before and I'll say it again.}
I hate being weak.
I hate being reminded that I am weak.
I don't like it when my own failures and mistakes remind me that I'm weak.
I don't like being reminded that I am weak when other people correct me.
I don't like feeling weak, period. Exclamation mark.
Stupid feels weak;
crying feels weak;
being wrong feels weak;
fear feels weak;
losing feels weak;
saying I'm sorry feels weak;
not defending myself feels weak;
letting someone else win an argument feels weak;
failure feels weak;
vulnerable feels weak;
loneliness feels weak;
falling behind feels weak;
emotions feel weak;
and feeling weak just plain feels wrong.
So, I conclude, anything that makes me feel weak must be bad and must be avoided.

Am I right?
Is weakness like that for you?
Is it the undesirable, accidental, unwelcome, uncomfortable, temporary stop you're forced to go to against your will, that should never be part of your journey?

What if weakness was something entirely different?
What if weakness was a condition, a permanent condition with no escape?
What if weakness was a good thing?
What if it was better than strength?
What if?

Could you believe that?
Could you believe it is even possible?

Optimistic Delusion

Ever notice how little children insist on doing things they aren't able to do? Not content with what they've already learned, they want to do what bigger people do, and we have to tell them "you can't do that!" Does that make them give up? Absolutely not, it only seems to make them want to do it more.
Then we grow up into adults who delude themselves into thinking that they are strong enough to do things they can't?

I am a dismal failure at snow skiing.
In spite of that, I still used to tell myself that I should be able to ski, all I had to do was try harder.
That's how I found myself duped into riding a ski lift in the Sierra Nevadas one Christmas. Why would I ever think that I couldn't ski?  It shouldn't matter that I don't seem to have the strength in my legs to stop skiing, or that I have a fear of heights, or some strange aversion to going fast. Why should that be a problem?
I couldn't even get off the ski lift without falling, and that's when I began to seriously doubt my resolve. What was I thinking when I thought I could do this? After a few more falls and the terrifying sensation of picking up speed, I was crumpling, or at least as best as one can crumple while wearing ridiculously long, heavy, floppy poles on their feet.
"I can't do this!" kept screaming in my head. "Why can't you do this?", my other personality kept yelling back.  "I don't know! Because I'm too weak! Because I'm a pitiful failure! Happy now!"
Oh great, I'm going to melt into a weak-looking mass of tears. Perfect! Would somebody just shoot me now, I'm going to die here anyway.
I can't understand it. Millions of people can ski, why can't I? I should be able to do this! I should be strong enough to pull myself together, stand up on those blasted skis and sail down this incredibly steep and slick mountainside. Instead, I'm staring into my husband's face while he walks my skis down the mountain one step at a time with his skis, patiently telling me I can do this, in response to my cries that I can't! Ugh!
I hate being pitiful.
I hate being weak.
I want to believe that I can do anything.
I'm always telling myself that I should be able to do this, and angry at myself when I can't.
It would seem that my working premise is that I should be strong enough, that I should be able to cancel weakness with strength of determination. Does it work? Not usually, but I keep thinking it will.

Do you do this too?
Do you say to yourself, "I should be strong enough to do this"?
It isn't that I think I'm strong, but that I have this optimistic delusion that I think I should be strong.
Does that delusion trip me up when I try to crosswalk? Every single time! As long as I keep this delusion alive, I refuse to learn God's purpose for weakness in my life. As long as I keep telling myself that I can be strong, I refuse to die to self. Every time I have this hope of finally finding strength in myself, I lose out on the true power of weakness.

A dead man has no strength of his own; he never says to himself, "I should have been able to do that".

Bungee Walking

So you want to walk by the Spirit, only this isn't the first time you've been here prepared to take that step.
Do you wonder how this time it's going to be different? Have you given up hoping it could be different?
Maybe you have wanted to work on your spiritual life for a variety of reasons, but eventually end up discouraged with where you are in this walk. Why is it so hard? Why does it seem to not stick? Why do I always seem to be back where I started?
Could it be that this is normal, that you will always find yourself here at the beginning again?
Geez, that's not exactly what you were looking for, is it? You were hoping maybe to be free from sin, pain, struggle, and doubts. You were hoping to arrive with other spiritual giants and never be criticized or judged. You were hoping to never have to feel bad about yourself again.
I had that hope too.

I wonder if the disciple Peter ever felt that way.
The disciples were a group of men that spent every moment with Jesus. For three years, they saw His miracles, they heard His teachings, they felt the sting of His rebukes. That didn't keep them from experiencing failures, making blunders or saying stupid things though.

Example: Matthew 16:13-28

Jesus asks the disciples if they understand who He is? Peter, keeping in character, pipes up first with the right answer, confessing that Jesus is the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the Living God, and he is rewarded with some super-charged words of affirmation from Jesus. "Blessed are you, Simon Barjona, because flesh and blood did not reveal this to you but My Father who is in heaven." Then He follows that with even more amazing things about building His church, and giving Peter the keys of the kingdom of heaven. I'm not going to debate just what Jesus meant by those words, but regardless of the meaning, I imagine Peter must have felt pretty pumped after getting that kind of praise from Jesus, especially if his love language was words of affirmation.
But then it all goes wrong when Jesus starts to teach the disciples about the suffering side of the Servant, and Peter blurts out, "God forbid it Lord! This shall never happen to You."
"Satan," this is what Jesus calls Peter, "get behind me for you are a stumbling block!"
Your priorities are wrong, Peter, you have a mind not intent on promoting what God wills, but on what pleases men.
It disturbs me to think that Jesus could be saying the exact same thing about you and me? Are we not more on man's side, ie. our side, than on God's? Are we not more intent on our own interests and plans than on God's plan for us?
Jesus is finally letting the disciples in on God's plan, and they are less than excited about it. Death and suffering clash with their goals, just like they clash with ours. Note that, what Jesus says to his disciples next, takes us right to the point of crosswalking.
"If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me."
This is how it is going to be. If you are going to follow Me, you're going to have to take up your cross as well. You can't value your life here on earth more than your eternal life, you can't hope to profit from this world. In other words, you are in for some suffering too, if you are serious about being my disciple.

A problem arises when we want to take charge of the reforming process. We come with our own purposes in mind, with our own stipulations, with our own expectations. We also feel a little entitled to give God suggestions on how, when, where and by whom it should be done.  So when the process gets difficult or we don't like where it's going, we derail, or take a detour, or make a bypass, or take any route that shortens the track, thereby, insuring that we circle right back to the beginning, again, instead of going straight.  Though we will always have the flesh with us, we don't have to live by the flesh, we don't have to be stuck in this bungee style perpetual looping.

This time, walking by the Spirit will be different because you are going to follow Christ His way.
The result will be that...
you'll know authentic fruit of the Spirit, especially peace and joy.
you'll know the Spirit's power, while boasting in your own weakness.
you'll know victory over sin.
you'll know that Jesus Christ is the only One who makes your life worth living.
you'll know that the Father is completely trustworthy.
you'll know that grace is overwhelming.
you'll want to please God and not yourself.
you'll accept the tools God uses.
you'll know those tools to be weakness, humility, suffering and repentance.

My hope is that, through the next chapters, you will be inspired with a vision of how beautiful each of these things are to God and desire them in your life as much as He does.

The Bank of Just Return

Take a moment to consider this.

Have you ever thought, or do you think now, that Life owes you something, or even, that in some way, God owes you? (though you may be reluctant to say that out loud)
Do you ever expect or hope for a return on life's hardships?
I mean, that life has been unfair and you've been slipping credit slips into your Bank of Just Return in the city of Fairplay.
Have all the sacrifices you've made in life been free, or have they been made with an unconscious expectation of payback? You thought you were denying yourself, but actually you've been investing in a savings account that is earning interest. Eventually you hope to make a withdrawal, or cash in your investment. That expectation of payback, of reward for all your sacrifice, makes it impossible for you to die to self. You know there is a reward in heaven, but you've got a major investment here as well, one that has been accruing interest and you aren't ready or willing yet to give it up, or lose it.

Your sacrifice wasn't really a sacrifice by death, but a transfer of reward to a later time. If you are coming to this process already in the habit of sacrificing your needs because you think you don't matter, you may be trying to redefine that as dying to self. They are not the same thing. Does your dying leave you feeling crushed, hopeless, discouraged? You may be trying this backwards. You can't die to self, unless you are sure of the life that you have in Jesus, otherwise, there is no hope in death. Only the life of Jesus in us has the capacity to sacrifice, expecting nothing in return.

Death requires a sacrifice of debt, because a dead man can't get paid.
Owing or being owed is a form of bondage.
Christ did not come to you that way, He gave His life to pay your debt, so that you can live freely in Him. What gain can you get from this life that could compare to that? Really! There is nothing this world has to offer that can satisfy like Christ Jesus. Trust Him to satisfy all your needs, to love you as you've never known love before, to submerge you in His grace and mercy.
"If then you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3: 1-3

Are you clinging to what life owes you?
Are you holding out because you need to know the reward first, to know what's in it for you?
Are you holding God on a tight leash?
Are you convinced that you matter so much to Christ, that He was willing to purchase you with His blood, and that before God, you stand accepted in Him?
Are you crazy?
What could you ever get from this life in the flesh that could improve on or be better than that?
Or as Paul said it,

"I press on 

in order that I may lay hold of that 

for which also I was laid hold of 

by Christ Jesus"

 Philippians 3:12

Start crosswalking today and everyday,
being owed nothing
and "owing nothing except to love one another".
Romans 13:8

Beware of the Snare

We fear man's disapproval or judgment.
We worry about what he thinks.
We base our value on how man reacts to us or treats us.
Do I have to be loved to be okay?
If I do,
I might as well build a trap and then step in to it.
Proverbs 29:25 
"The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe."
Beware of the snare.
It's all DANGER and leads us towards insecurity
and away from total trust in the Lord.


Journal entry:
August 26, 2009
Lord,
I feel that old struggle with the fear of man waging war in my mind. Comparing my popularity with that of others, watching friendships and wondering if I am as well liked. Asking myself "why don't they like me? Why am I not good enough? What do I need to change that will make them like me more? What do they have that I don't?"
Then You showed me, the Trap is laid, that is the fear of man, and I am caught in it.
There are things, so many things, that need to be changed in my life. By your grace and power, you have applied the sharpened tools and the fire to change me.
But why is change necessary?
You change me so that I reflect your glory, bear your image, so that others see Christ in me. Your blade makes me more like Christ.
But I must remember that the purpose of change is NEVER, EVER to make others love me more or accept me more. It's NEVER so that I would attract more friends to myself, NEVER so that I can feel good about myself. I've wanted you to change me, "fix me" all for my own benefit. Forgive me that for this moment I was consumed with thoughts of changing myself for that very purpose. In seeking my own glory, I would distort yours, blackening and tarnishing what You have done.
I repent before You, Lord!

My Life is NOT my Own

Paul wrote to the Corinthians A.D.53-54
"Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave to us the Spirit as a pledge.
Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord [for we walk by faith, not by sight] we are of good courage, I say,
and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.
Therefore also we have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.
For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died;
and He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.
Therefore from now on we recognize no man according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh; yet now we know Him thus no longer. Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

to the Galatians A.D.55
"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and delivered Himself up for me."

to the Romans A.D.57
"For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself; for if we live, we live for the Lord or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord's."

to the Colossians A.D.60-61
"For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory."

to the Philippians A.D.62
"my hope that with all boldness, Christ shall even now, as always, be exalted in my body,
whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain.
But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I don't know which to choose.
But I am hard-pressed from both directions having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. And convinced of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith."

Do you understand what Paul is writing here to the Philippians? He is in prison right now, and he doesn't know which to choose, to live or to die. Wait a minute! Wouldn't it be normal for us all to prefer to live? But then again, if I were in prison, I probably would rather die. I, of course would be choosing based on what was best for me. Not Paul! His primary desire is not for his own good, which would, for him, mean death, but for the good of others and for the preaching of the Gospel. Don't you get the idea that Paul sees life in the flesh as second best? Weird.
Sometimes I feel like I need to stand on my head in order to "get" Paul.

Jars of Clay and Fluffy Towels

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, 
that the surpassing greatness of the power may be of God and not from ourselves;"

Jars of clay.
That's how other versions translate "earthen vessels". I love the way it sounds.
Jars of clay.
I picture them, brown and earthy looking, made of dirt, fragile, common, expendable.
Not much excitement over them, unless of course they are found in an archaeological dig. But that is unlikely to have been what Paul was thinking when he wrote these words.

The jar of clay is NOT the treasure, but rather the treasure is inside the jar of clay. What does that mean? It means that God is our source of the greatest, most incredible, limitless power there is and we are, well, (gulp) weak.
My flesh is the jar of clay, and when I say flesh, I mean everything about me that is apart from Christ.
How much is clay worth?
How much should I consider myself to be worth?
Is the amount of time I've spent focused on making life better for this jar of clay equal to its worth?

Oh, boy, have I made the worst investment ever!
This "jar of clay" has pretty much always been my first priority. How's it going to affect me? Am I going to like it? Is that the best for me? Will it be fun? Will it make me happy? Will it be enough?

The realization of the extent of prioritizing Amy.
It came to a climax in one ridiculously stupid event.
On this particular day, we were crossing the border into Mexico at Ciudad Juarez. Crossing the border was normally a very nerve-racking experience for me, especially this time because I was unfamiliar with the city. My tension kept rising, and by the time we got to the hotel for the night, I was deep into the "pamper Amy" zone, the land where Amy's needs came first, where anxiety was balanced with self-delighting.
Now, here is where it got stupid.
Amy silently claimed the fluffiest looking towel in the bathroom for herself. She didn't tell anyone, just sub-consciously labeled it hers. After having a difficult day, she felt entitled to some comforts. So when her daughter randomly used Amy's towel, the filth of selfishness vomited out of her mouth. She didn't realize why she was angry or even how selfish her actions were. She just felt like having that fluffy towel taken away was the end of the world.
I can look back now and say "unbelievable!" It wasn't really all about a fluffy towel, but what it represented, the inclination to give myself more value than a jar of clay is worth. I inflate my importance, and then, when I am taken advantage of, I get angry. Instead of groaning because I long to be in heaven and rid of this body, I groan because my body feels a little pinch of discomfort. I live under the impression that I have a right to be happy, am entitled to more, deserve better treatment.
Reality check.
Jars of clay are not placed in silk lined boxes, they're not given the "fluffy towel" treatment.
Anyway, fluffy towels are just an illusion, not worth the hype. All I've ever gotten from making myself a priority is a life full of misery and fear.

Paul would have us live differently. He tells us we have this treasure in jars of clay and that truth changes everything! Because...
"we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; 
perplexed, but not despairing; 
persecuted, but not forsaken;
struck down, but not destroyed;  
How is it that affliction can attack from all sides, but I am never crushed? How is it possible to be plagued by severe doubt, but I do not despair? How can persecution not leave me feeling forsaken, abandoned by God? How can I know that I won't be destroyed no matter how hard I am beaten?
This jar of clay has no value apart from Christ. I am both a dead and a dying man made alive only by the treasure of the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ in me. That treasure cannot be crushed, it cannot be destroyed, and that's the only thing that matters. What happens to this jar shouldn't make any difference.

"always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus's sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh." *

I can't explain it, can't understand it, I can't even grasp it; I only know that there is nothing more true than this fact, two completely opposite realities co-exist in me, both the dying and living of Jesus at the same time. That should radically change the way I live. For Jesus's sake, for His purpose, for His glory, for His name, I live in order to be constantly handed over for death, constantly ready to die. I carry in this body the dying of Jesus, so that His life will be seen in me. I live to die so that the real living is Jesus in me.
That's the truth that I see in Paul's life.
That's the foundation of crosswalking.
That's the treasure worth living for.

Is it worth dying for?

* 2 Corinthians 4:7-11

What's in it for me?

Who decides what something is worth?

Obvious answer, we do,
and the more something is worth, the more potential it has to give us significance.
What we value becomes beautiful in our eyes. The greater the value, the more effort to preserve, protect, and pamper, the more likely we are to feel pain over its loss or damage.  Mistreatment is unacceptable because it reduces the value below what we think it should be. This is a problem. We may think something has great value, but we need others to agree in order for that value to be validated. Value is often determined based on the attitude of, "what's in it for me?" The value man assigns is therefore subjective and selfish.

Earlier in this book, I talked about our value system and asked you to make a list of all the things that give you value. My purpose then was to help you see how far off you are from finding your value in Christ alone, but that wasn't the final goal.
Up to this point, all I've written has been to get you to see your flesh for what it really is, in all its deceptive and alluring power, because that is what opposes the Spirit living within you and hinders you from walking by Him.
My goal was to lead you to this fork in the road where you must make a choice. Will you follow Christ the way He asked you to? Will you choose to crosswalk, to die daily?
Realistically, I know that my flesh doesn't want to be crucified, to carry a cross. I don't even like skipping a meal, wouldn't think of subjecting my body to taking cold showers, have zero tolerance for discomfort, and am insulted if ridiculed, misunderstood or betrayed. I don't want to give up my rights, my liberties or my life. Why don't I?

Are you serious?
Why would I ever want to?!

Good question.
Why would you ever want to?

I can tell you one reason why I would never want to, selfishness.
As long as I am still asking the question, "what's in it for me?", I'll never want to follow Christ the only way He has given.

Fools for Christ

"The natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God; for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised." 1 Corinthians 2:14

The foolishness of God is wiser than any wisdom man thinks he has, and the weakness of God is stronger than any strength that man can muster up. When God wanted to put to shame the wise of the world, He chose to do that through the foolish of the world, and when He wanted to shame the strong of the world, He chose to use the weak of the world to do that. He has chosen what is despised, what is nothing, in order to cancel the things that exist. Why? This makes no sense to the natural way of thinking.
The reason for such bizarre methods is so that no man will boast before Him.
I don't know about you, but I like the idea of being important, I find myself wanting to impress others. Do you  like to hear people say good things about you? It's pretty cool to have the chance to show off your skills. Even if I'm doing it for the Lord, there is always this side of me that wants to be recognized, to get credit for what I do. I admit it, I want to hear praises, and when I do, they easily overshadow all other motivations. God is not impressed with my bragging rights, neither is He fooled by my appearances. The Lord brings to light the things hidden in the darkness and discloses the motives of my heart. Darkness conveniently hides what is ugly. There came a time when the Lord disclosed that I calculated and timed everything I did to bring me honor and praise. I was more concerned with what man saw than with what God thought.

Paul has heard from people in Chloe's house that the church in Corinth is divided and quarreling. There seems to be a competition among the believers; they have made following men a source of division. "But is Christ divided?" Paul asks. Apparently, they are divided over who has the greatest wisdom, or who has the best delivery, or even the best message. The Corinthian believers are elevating their teachers, and in so doing, elevating their own status. So Paul asks them point blank, "based on whose opinion are you superior?" "What do you have that you didn't first receive?" And if it was given to you, why do you presume to boast about it as if you could take credit for it? Oh, you are such full, rich kings now, and that, of course, would mean that we are kings too.
Do you imagine yourselves walking into the amphitheater, or better yet, riding in on a glorious chariot with all eyes on you. Surrounded by thousands of people, can you touch the awe in the air, hear the roar of the crowd shouting your name? You are finally, truly known for how great you are, finally full of the honor you have wanted, and you would have us there right beside you.
But, and this is a really big "but", God has chosen a completely opposite and an absolutely more inferior way for us at the end of the line. We are those who arrive last to the amphitheater, a spectacle of death to all those who see us, to be jeered and taunted.
"we have become a spectacle to the world, both to angels and to men. 
We are fools for Christ's sake, but you are prudent in Christ; 
we are weak, but you are strong; 
you are distinguished, but we are without honor. 
To this present hour we are both hungry and thirsty, 
and are poorly clothed, and are roughly treated, and are homeless; 
and we toil, working with our own hands; 
when we are reviled, we bless; 
when we are persecuted, we endure; 
when we are slandered, we try to conciliate; 
we have become as the scum of the world, 
the dregs of all things, even until now." 
1 Corinthians. 4:9-13

Scum of the world?? Dregs of all things??
What are you trying to say Paul?

A couple of years ago, there was a massive rain fall where we live that resulted in a foot of sewage water in our basement. I was away helping my mother recuperate from surgery, so it fell to my husband and daughter to clean up the mess. A few weeks afterwards, we noticed there was still a smell in the basement. A plugged drain had been overlooked, so when the grate was lifted.... ooof! I will not attempt to describe the nauseating nature of the scum that was left. Some things are just too disgusting!
Paul, your word is not very flattering, nor very nice.

The Greeks also had a special use for this word translated "scum". It's what they would call the criminals who were kept for the purpose of being offered up as sacrifices to the gods whenever a calamity occurred.  Did Paul possibly have this meaning in mind when he described himself this way?
Is that really what you think, Paul, because that just doesn't seem natural!
I'm not likely to consider myself this way, but I often fear that other people do. Maybe that is what Paul is saying. He could be moaning about the mistreatment he's gotten from the world. That seems more logical, less absurd, more natural, more like me.

But if Paul was describing how the world viewed him, why would he say it is God who has put him in the theater for public exhibition as a man condemned to death? He knows that God has not set him up as wise, honored and the strong of this world, but as a fool for Christ sake, full of dishonor and weakness.
Paul is describing himself as a spectacle, as scum, in order to make a point with Corinthian believers, who seem to think that man should seek significance and elevate their status among each other?


"And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to men of flesh, as to babes in Christ. I gave you milk to drink, not solid food; for you were not yet able to receive it. Indeed, even now you are not yet able, for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere men?" 1 Corinthians 3:2-3

These Christians were dividing themselves in order to follow the man who had the most to offer them in the way of boosting their status, increasing their value. They were walking like natural men and not in the Spirit, and their lives reflected it. They thought they were wise, but their wisdom had all the features of the one James warned us about.
"But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural , demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. " James 3:14-16

I think, if my goal is to walk by the Spirit and die daily, I would do well to learn from Paul. He seems to have figured out what taking up his cross and following Jesus looks like.
But why would I want to make his brand of cross-walking my goal? Can't I design my own walk? Does it have to look like Paul's?

It's Just Not Natural

I have a default setting, and that is to do what comes naturally.
Problem is that by going with the default setting, I consistently choose not to walk by the Spirit.
Just what do I mean by "naturally"?
I mean my physical flesh, my human nature, my sinful nature, my personality, my emotions, my hormones, my old self, my skills, my talents, my traits good or bad, my passions and desires.  By default, I will react according to my human nature. By default, I will walk in the flesh, trying to "put my best foot forward."
What comes naturally to you?
Let's see if I think about it, what can I come up with?
It is natural for me to rely on myself, complain, be irritable, be influenced by my hormones, whine, yell, plot revenge, pout, show off, demand my rights, ridicule others, be impatient, flirt, be sensual, gossip, take the easy way out, put my needs first, defend myself, avoid suffering, think I'm right, want to look good in front of others, compare myself, be jealous, divide, compete, get angry, give up, be self-righteous, seek justice, deny mercy.

STOP!

Whoa, was not expecting all that to be what comes out of the natural me!
Truthfully, it is what I do without thinking, what I revert to when I'm tired, when I'm not exercising any self-control. (which is most of the time)
I don't ever wake up saying to myself, now today you need to work on being irritable. It's not like my first instinct is to think I'm wrong and have to tell myself "be willing to be right", ha! No one had to teach me to impress others, I caught on to that quite naturally. I have a natural tendency to want to hide or fix those things I don't like about myself, while promoting the things I do. I put the positive out on stage for all to see, and cover up the negatives behind the curtain. At least, that is what I think I'm doing. But in the end, it is all natural, all fleshly, all worldly. Like the filthy rags of my righteous deeds, eventually, my impressive acts look like what they are, dull, stained, tarnished, rotting, selfish, worthy of the dung heap.

Can there be spiritual value in what comes naturally to us? Do we mistakenly infuse what is natural with spiritual virtue? Is there virtue in being musically gifted, in being at ease talking in front of a big crowd, in being a people-pleaser, in being soft spoken, in being attractive or good at making friends? Do any of these things make us spiritual?

Some of what is natural requires death to deal with it, and some of it requires a good haul to the trash dump, all of it needs to come under the control of the Spirit. Paul would tell us that death, to some degree, has already occurred in the believer, "our old self was crucified with Him" (Romans 6:6), and "those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires" (Galatians 5:24). He would also say that we play an active role in "putting to death whatever belongs to your earthly nature", while replacing it with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, meekness, patience, tolerance and forgiveness, specifically for someone you would rather complain about, and above all love, the glue that holds us all together in harmony. We must also rid ourselves of such things as anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language and lying.
(Colossians 3)

To walk by the Spirit, requires something that is completely unnatural to who I am, and completely impossible without the Spirit. It is unnatural for me to admit I need help, to be wrong, to turn the other cheek, to love my enemies, do good to them, submit, give thanks in all things, suffer, be weak, surrender my rights, love mercy, be faithful, pray, be humble, be content, unify, be a slave, give in.

Crucifying the flesh is just not natural!
Without the Spirit, how can we even begin to choose to die to self today, and again tomorrow, and the next day after that?

Every day now I am tested, and this Scripture I read, these words I write reverberate in my head. Then I tell myself...
"this is it"
"this is your chance to die"
"this is your chance to feel the weight of the beam on your shoulders."

Cross-walkers

The hour for the Son of Man to be glorified had come, and Jesus said, "unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone, but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it; and he who hates his life in this world shall keep it to life eternal. If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there shall My servant also be; if anyone serves Me the Father will honor him." John 12:23-26

That hour for Jesus Christ was death on a cross and resurrection from the grave three days later. In His day, death by crucifixion wasn't just the most painful method of execution, it was equally humiliating. The criminal was required to carry his own crossbeam to his death, where he was hung as a spectacle, often stripped naked. Only the lowest of society was subjected to this form of punishment.
And this was the death Jesus took to bear the punishment for our sin.
But before He faced that cross, Jesus said,
 "If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me." Luke 9:23
John Piper titles a chapter in 5o Reasons Why Jesus Came to Die, "to create a band of crucified followers".  He writes "when Christ went to the cross, his aim was to call a great band of believers after Him. The reason for this was not that Jesus must die again today, but that we must. When He bids us take up His cross, He means come and die." Jesus wants those who follow Him to be cross-walkers, to be believers who will walk in the Spirit with a cross on their back.
In other words, Jesus is telling us, that to follow Him, we must wake up everyday with a death sentence; we must be dead men walking.

Well, the hour for a decision has come.
What will you do with your flesh?
To truly walk in the Spirit, we must crucify the flesh. To crucify the flesh, we must die to self.
Will you be one of Jesus's crucified followers?
Will you learn to crosswalk?

"So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh, for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, 'Abba! Father!'" Romans 8:12-15

By the Spirit, we put to death the deeds of the body, then we truly live, even live free of fear.
But instead of executing the flesh, I see us pampering it. We keep it alive because we want to feel good, or we rely on it to do the "good" that others can see, to build our confidence and sense of self-worth. This is the essence of what trips us up, of what makes us feel that we aren't growing spiritually, of what makes us so tired of ourselves. We have such confidence in our flesh, that we trust it to be the voice of reality in our lives, to be telling us the truth of our identity in Christ.
Could we possibly be more deceived than that?!
It is flesh's crowning triumph of deception, but sadly for us, it is a snare of lies and fear.

Staring down the dog

No matter how badly you don't want your fear to be true, it just seems too risky to put fear to the test.
You wish it was a lie, may even already suspect it is a lie.  You look for proof that will convince you that it is a lie. It would be so great not to have to believe it anymore! But it has been your "truth" for so long, how can you possibly stop believing it?

Do you realize that you are trying to prove to yourself that a lie is not the truth?
Think about that for a moment.
A lie, by its very nature, can't be the truth. A lie is already a lie, it doesn't need more convincing.
You've spent countless hours and energy at a futile task, trying to prove something that already is.
Look at your fear!
Stare it down and call it what it is, a big fat lie!

Your foundation is shaky, but you live like it was made of cement, as if you have no other choice.
Is your foundation solid ground or sinking sand? Is it based on truth or lies?
When you live by lies, you live in fear. Fear feeds off of lies and eventually leads us to sin.
Here, I'll demonstrate with some of my old lies.

LIE #1: Perfectionism,
being perfect makes me acceptable, mistakes are unacceptable. I can be perfect.
RESULT: I fear failure, I fear being less than perfect. I respond in outbursts of anger, and self-pity when others point out my imperfection.

LIE #2: Injustice is unfair.
I can judge what is just. Injustices are unacceptable, I deserve better.
RESULT: I am argumentative, defensive, I lash out  at others, I feel war going on inside me, instead of peace.

LIE #3: If people really knew me they would reject me.
Eventually, everyone does. I need to fix myself so they will like me.
RESULT: I fear rejection, I am  jealous, I view people as threats.

LIE #4: Guilt and remorse are the same as repentance.
Feeling bad about myself and feeling sorry for my sin are the same thing.
RESULT: I don' confess my sin, I don't live by grace, I don't show grace to others, I'm unforgiving.

Ever notice how the conclusion of our theme passage in Galatians 5 focuses on how we relate to others?
"If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another." Galatians 5:25-26

How do you react when your value, your self-worth is threatened?
Do you become defensive, blame others, draw attention to yourself, convince others you've got it all together?
Do you look for the weaknesses in those who make you feel inadequate? Do you focus on their bad qualities, organize an attack, get angry, write them off as not worthy of attention, since they refuse to acknowledge your value.
This is what happens when SuperFlesh comes to your rescue; it provokes fear and fear draws all your attention to self. The fruit of the flesh is defensiveness, outbursts of anger, self-pity, self-justification, bitterness, dejection, resentment, holding grudges, keeping a list of hurts, withdrawing, running away, panic, detachment from feelings, hopelessness, excessive sleeping, lack of energy, only doing what I feel like doing, mood swings, dependance on externals for elevating mood and feeling happy, addictive behavior, self-harm. The list could go on.
A little shocking isn't it because you just saw yourself in that list and it doesn't feel good.

When we choose the flesh, whether "the good" or the bad, we set ourselves up to destroy relationships. When we focus on keeping our value up, we end up hurting our brothers and sisters in Christ.
Flesh makes us incapable of loving anyone but ourselves.

"If we say that we have fellowship with Him 
and yet walk in the darkness, 
we lie and do not practice the truth;

the one who loves his brother abides in the light 

and there is no cause for stumbling in him. 

But the one who hates his brother 

is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, 

and does not know where he is going 

because the darkness has blinded his eyes. 

Whoever keeps His word, 
in him the love of God has truly been perfected. 
By this we know that we are in Him; 
the one who says he abides in Him 
ought himself to walk 
in the same manner as He walked.

There is no fear in love, 

but perfect love casts out fear, 

because fear involves punishment, 

and the one who fears 

is not perfected in love. 

We love, because He first loved us. 

If someone says, 

"I love God," 

and hates his brother, 

he is a liar; 

for the one who does not love his brother 

whom he has seen, 

cannot love God whom he has not seen."

excerpts from John's first letter

Flesh / Fear / Lies

Spirit / Love / Truth

"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do." Galatians 5:13-17 ESV

Flesh does not slip into a phone booth and come out a super-hero.
It's all ugly, it's all deceptive, it's all garbage, it's all sinking sand.

The little pig who wished she was pink

This is the story of a little pig who lived in the barn and played in the mud everyday.
She was happy and content, free to wander and roll in all her favorite mud ponds.
One day, however, she spied a little pig playing outside with the children.
This little pig lived at the house and had such beautiful pink skin. She was loved and cherished and pampered. The children hugged her and called her sweet names.
The little dirty barnyard pig looked on, thinking "I'm not much different from that little pig, I wonder why no one hugs me like that?" The little pig's happy and contented thoughts vanished, and in their place was an intense longing to be just like the house pig. Then she noticed that she was covered in mud while the other pig was all clean and pretty and pink. Of course, she concluded, it is the clean, pink skin that makes her worthy of being hugged.  The little pig eagerly headed off in search of water where she could wash off all the mud and find happiness.
Suddenly, an awful thought stopped her in her tracks. What if underneath the mud she was not really pink? What if, after washing off, she discovered that she was not really worthy of being hugged, not really beautiful like the other pig? Fear wrapped its bands around her little heart and she was paralyzed by it. "It's not the mud that makes me unhuggable," she thought with horror, "it's that I'm not good enough." More than anything, she wanted to have pink skin, to be hugged and loved. Without that she could never be happy.
But on the other hand, she couldn't bear the thought that what she feared might be true. The fear of discovering that she wasn't lovable grew to be greater than her desire to be loved. That fear drove her straight back to the mud pit. Her only refuge now was to put on more mud, hide behind a thicker layer. She couldn't stray far from the mud now, because it was her only place of security. As long as she stayed there, she didn't have to face that awful fear again.
At times she felt trapped and wanted to be free, but at the slightest hint that she was losing a layer of mud, she resigned herself to her fate. She lived just like she always did, only now, instead of making her happy and content, the mud reminded her that she will never, ever be good enough to be hugged.
Is she happy like this? No, but what other choice does she have?

Why is the pig unhappy? Is she right to conclude that something is wrong with her? Her life would not be miserable now if she hadn't compared her situation to the other little pig. Is it fair that one pig gets treated better than another?

Do you ever think you aren't good enough? Does that make you unhappy? To whom are you comparing yourself?

Like the little barnyard pig, we are resigned to eternal wallowing. We add layer upon layer to hide behind something. We put up walls to block everyone out. It might be fat, depression, anger, rebellion, self-harm, alcohol, drugs, even obnoxious behavior. Our wall keeps others away or distracts from the real pain, the real fear. We provide a reason to be rejected, so that we can't be rejected for the awful fear that we've worked so hard to keep covered. But no matter how deeply we bury it, we are still desperately unhappy, still fear being seen for who we are, still wish someone would love us anyway, still confident they won't, because we don't deserve it.

But what really is the awful fear?
How do you know if it is even true?
Deep down, all of us have faced the fear at one point or another that we really don't matter, we are not worthy of being loved. This may be why the world is so obsessed with "you've got to believe in yourself" psychology. Just in case you might be worried that I'm heading towards pop psychology, take it easy, that's not my goal.
My desire is that you not be deceived by the flesh. I believe the Bible tells us to crucify the flesh, not comfort and console it.
It took a long time, but I finally realized that I can't have it both ways, ie. I can't have my cake and eat it too. Flesh and Spirit do not join forces to improve on, or fix what I don't like about myself. The answer to your fear is NOT going to come from within you, nor will it come from those around you.

The other day I was reading in Isaiah and came upon these verses.

"Who among you fears the Lord 
and obeys his servant? 

That person may walk in the dark 
and have no light. 

Then let him trust in the Lord 
and yet depend on his God. 

But instead, 
some of you want to light your own fires 
and make your own light. 

So, go, walk in the light of your fires 
and trust your own light to guide you. 

But this is what you will receive from Me; 
you will lie down in a place of pain (torment)." 

Isaiah 50:10-11 New Century Version

Scenario: You are in the dark. What do you do?
Do you get some sparks to build your own pitiful little fire in order to feel okay, to light your path?
Or do you trust in the Lord and depend totally on Him, even if it means you stay in the darkness a while longer?

The Irony of it All

Here's a funny thing.
And when I say "funny", I mean ironic.
I started noticing a correlation between what I valued and what I feared.
I wanted people to like me, so my biggest fear was rejection.
Being useful made me feel valuable, therefore, I feared not being needed.
Giving my opinion made me feel significant, while, not being consulted caused me to fear that I was insignificant. I liked being the one that others confided in, but not being the first to hear the news, made me feel insecure about my importance.
Now here's that funny thing.
Most of the time we presume that to avoid loss, one must accumulate more. But have you ever thought about the fact that the more you gain the more you have to lose. Hence, rather than solving the problem of loss, we magnify it. We can never fully achieve, never fully have all those things that make us feel good about ourselves. If these things increase our sense of worth, then it stands to reason that the loss of any one can decrease it.
Were you hoping to gain confidence, be more secure? Ooops
I'm guessing that's not working out too well for you.

Remember that closet of values?
For each item that gives you value, a fear is built in with it.
Can you ever get enough significance, enough value built up so as to block out all fears completely?
You tell me...

Beauty

Fear        Whatever makes me feel ugly

a good Body image

Fear Getting fat/looking fat

your Abilities

Fear someone better than me

the Admiration of important people

Fear What others say

when others show you Appreciation

Fear being overlooked

getting Praise

Fear Criticism 

being treated Fairly, 

Fear Injustice

attention from Men (boyfriend/husband/father)

Fear Abandonment, never getting married

having a Child

Fear Criticism of my children, not having any

Making lots of money

Fear being poor

being involved in Ministries

Fear Ministry given to another

a Position of importance

Fear not being consulted

Being right

Fear Being wrong

being  Perfect

Fear less than perfect

not Disappointing others

Fear Making mistakes

when others have a Good Opinion of you

Fear What others think

when you receive Approval

Fear Disapproval

making Friends

Fear rejection

your friends Prefer you

Fear being excluded, being hurt

being Popular

Fear being laughed at

Accomplishments

Fear failures

Fears are tricky things.
We tend to push them away to some dark corner where we don't have to ever see them again, pretend they don't exist, but then at just the tiny little mention of them, tears well up in our eyes.
Why do fears have such influence over us? Why do they seem to control us?

SuperFlesh to the Rescue

The beginning tremors of a minor earthquake can be very disorienting. The brain senses the movement before being able to identify the cause, so at first it just registers as confusion.
Example.
We were at a camp in the Sierra Nevadas one summer, when an earthquake hit southern California. The tremor was carried up the granite mountains and was felt in the middle of the night. I was awakened by the feeling that our cabin was rocking and, a little frightened, I tried to reason in my mind what was happening. In my groggy state, my brain offered up a possibility that must have satisfied my curiosity because I was able to drift right back to sleep. What did I conclude that put my mind at ease? I decided that it was a bear shaking our cabin. The next morning when I heard about the earthquake, I realized what had really happened and laughed at how ridiculous my explanation was, and even worse, how it made sense to me.

When the foundation of our self-worth suddenly tremors like an earthquake, we become very disoriented and wonder what is wrong. The automatic assumption is that the shaking of my worth comes from outside of me. The instinct is to grab onto something solid, something strong, something that restores my sense of balance.
In comes Flesh to the rescue.
It's not the weak, the ugly, the bad side of flesh that we spent time trying to identify at the beginning of this book; that just makes things worse.
No, only the strong, confident, powerful flesh is welcome at a time like this.
Anyway, aren't we supposed to counter a drop in self-esteem by resurrecting all that is good in us, all the positive? We are in Christ after all. It's not right to think bad thoughts about ourselves. We shouldn't let anyone trash us. Right?
What do you think when there is a tremor in your self-confidence?
"I deserve to be treated better than that."
"I should have been able to do that better."
"I’m not such a terrible person."
"Can’t they see how good I am, I’m just as good as so and so."
"I want someone to recognize my abilities."
"I don't want anyone to think I'm not perfect."
"I can’t stand the thought of someone not thinking well of me."
We welcome the confident flesh to come and tell us who we are in Christ.
hmmm...
does that sound right?
does it even work?

Let's see, do you still doubt yourself?
Do you ever think...
"Something is wrong with me"
"I'm not good enough."
"I'll never be good enough."
"I’m too stupid.
"I'm too ugly.
"I can’t do anything right."
"No one could ever love me."
"I’m bad."
"I always screw everything up."
"I’m just a big failure."
"I’m worthless."

Ooof, this isn't good. We shouldn't believe these things. What happened to our confidence in Christ?
Who has stolen it away? Was it Satan, my husband, a co-worker, someone from church, my "best friend", that gorgeous, popular, always evangelizing, perfect girl, my boyfriend, my room-mate, my boss, my dad, my mom?
If it wasn't for them, I could feel so confident all the time, be more secure with who I am. I wouldn't have to feel like I wasn't good enough, like I wasn't doing enough. I wouldn't have to feel so ugly, so worthless, so undeserving of love.
Would someone please make my ground stop shaking!

When you welcome the flesh to be your hero, rather than being rescued, you guarantee this constant rattling of your adequacy, this never-ending roller coaster of your value. You can't welcome the strength of your flesh and expect it to leave the ugly side at the door. I'm talking about strengthening those things about you that make you feel worthy, valuable, significant. It is a delusion to bolster your own self-confidence on the grounds that you are in Christ. Flesh is the frame that surrounds feeling good about yourself,  looking good in front of others, self-promotion. Once flesh has put its mark on your self-worth, do you really think it wants to just hand all it has accomplished over to Christ? Do you think it would ever be willing to draw you towards finding your value in Christ alone, thereby giving up its own claim? Not likely!
Remember that the flesh doesn't work in conjunction with the Spirit, it works in constant opposition.
It may seem worthwhile and you may feel as if you have accomplished powerful things, but in the flesh all you have done is build a foundation that is shaky, inadequate and confusing at best.
It can never be solid like a Rock.
Think about it!
If your value is in Christ alone, can anyone steal it away from you?
Is it that fragile as to be threatened by someone's beauty, brains or talents?
No, it isn't! But the value gained in the flesh is.
It is always insecure, always vulnerable.

In Christ, I find all that I am, all that I need, the only thing that gives me value, the only Person that makes me significant. My identity is in Him and it is as secure as a rock. I belong to Christ and He defines who I am. Nothing I do can make it more true than it already is, and no one can take it away.
When I seek to add to my value, essentially, I am saying that Christ's value is not enough.
I must have more and from many sources.
That is not living by the truth of who I am in Christ.

The truth is that I don't deserve better, I should just go ahead and accept that.
The truth is that there is nothing good in me apart from Christ. So how is it bad if people think I'm bad?
I know I'm not perfect, so why should I make others think I am. That's a lie!
The truth is that I am loved beyond anything I can imagine. Can anyone love me more than Christ?
The truth is that I am in Christ, bought with a precious price, I am not my own. I have no more right to call myself worthless than to claim honor for myself.

Listen to what Oswald Chambers has to say on the subject.

"Oh the bravery of God in trusting us! 

Do you say, 

"but He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing good in me and I have no value"? 

That is exactly why He chose you. As long as you think that you are of value to Him He cannot choose you, because you have purposes of your own to serve. But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him.

We tend to say that because a person has natural ability, he will make a good Christian. 

It is not a matter of our equipment, but a matter of our poverty; 

not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; 

not a matter of natural virtues, of strength of character, of knowledge, or of experience, 

all of that is of no avail in this concern." 

[rejection] OUCH!

ooooohh the dreaded whisper in your ear, "they don't like you anymore".

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to be liked.
In the middle of my first grade, we moved to another state. I never made a single friend in that school. That summer we moved again to another city. I was bigger than the other kids and felt terribly awkward.  For some inexplicable reason, the cutest, most popular girl in class befriended me. I learned the importance of being included by the right person, the value gained from being with the cool kid.
Things got worse. In the 5th grade, some boy saw the black hair on my arms and called me an ape. Then there was the pink elephant nickname I got in 6th grade due to my favorite pair of pink polyester pants. I learned not to feel secure in how I felt about myself. The perception of others could change everything, and I was positively sure that it mattered.
I could make good grades though, so when we moved to Louisiana in 7th grade, my new best friend was not only the smartest girl in the class but also the prettiest. Again, I gained value and security in my friendship, but I was never fully able to trust that it would last. By then I was convinced that everyone would reject me, eventually. I sought after friends because they were my biggest source of self-worth, but they were also my biggest threat of rejection. Does it sound like I used people? Well, it's true, that is exactly what I did.
Do you fear rejection? Do people threaten you? Do you use people?
We instinctively look to others to infuse value into our insecure little beings. We build cisterns that won't hold water, all the while feeling sorry for ourselves because we can never seem to keep the cistern full.

Through Jeremiah the prophet, the Lord told the people "you have committed two evils, you have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewn out cisterns for yourselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water." Jeremiah 2:13

How ironic that we are so absorbed with fear of rejection from others, so busy seeking to be filled with things or people outside of Christ, that we never give thought to the fact that we are rejecting Him.

This obsession with our own value isn't just irony, or folly, or even insanity, it is pure evil!

Self-Worth, Should I have any?

How would you define self-worth?
Would it be too simple to say that self-worth is value that comes from within yourself? How about defining it as the confidence that there is something in you that makes you worthy of recognition, of love, of time, etc.
When your self-worth is in question, do you ever try to convince yourself that you really do matter?
How many times a day do you question your worth? How often do you hear the nagging voice that says you're not worth it, you don't really matter?

That little voice of doubt is a strong motivator. It motivates us to take on certain identities.
I'll introduce three, because I think most of us can identify with at least one of them.
First I'll mention the one closest to my heart, the High Achiever.
This is the person who works really hard to prove worth by actions. It might be that he has a skill or talent, and therefore, he needs to stay on top of the game, always being better or the best. Some High Achievers need to be the best in everything they do, leaving them with no room to fail.
Then there is my second "favorite", the Criticizer.
This person elevates his self-worth by cutting down others, whether verbally or mentally. He finds comfort in the thought that others are worse. He may surround himself with lessers so that he feels worth more, or find his worth boosted by keeping company with others who are just as critical.
And finally, there is the Self-Loather.
This person takes on a false identity, the opposite of confidence. He exaggerates his negative qualities, talking badly about himself, so that others will contradict and feed him positive comments. He manipulates people to say the things he needs to hear in order to silence those feelings of self-doubt.
So, do any of these identities fit you?

There is a flaw in the "self-worth" tank; it is full of cracks. You know this by experience, because no matter how high the level of worth rises in your tank, it never seems to stay there. That's because self-worth can't exist on its own. It needs the constant re-affirmation of others.

Isn't self-worth just a disguise for self-centeredness?
Sadly, when I am centered on self, it is impossible for me to love.

“Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, 

but our adequacy is from God.” 

2 Corinthians 3:5

"We put no confidence in human effort. 

Instead, we boast about what Christ Jesus has done for us." 

Philippians 3:3

Human effort, my own goodness, my abilities to keep the law, my "ability" to be perfect, what gives me value on this earth, whatever commends me, my zealous devotion, my spirituality, my awesome ministries, none of these should be a source of confidence. Paul says that he once thought these things were important, but now considers them worthless, garbage, worthy of the dung heap.

Considering all this, I have to ask myself the question, is self-worth worth having?
Should the believer, walking in the Spirit, expect to have self-worth, or is it one of those things that should die when he carries his cross?

The Pendulum Principle

Who hasn't used the expression "mood swings", talked about feeling down, or being on a sugar high?
We are used to this idea of fluctuation in our lives.
Our value is used to swings too, just like a pendulum.
The American Heritage Science Dictionary defines a pendulum as a "mass hung from a fixed support so that it is able to swing freely under the influence of gravity."

Let's say that I am the "mass" hanging from Jesus Christ, my fixed support, but the chains that hold my swing are made up of those things that make me feel good about myself.  If I do nothing, there is no movement, but if I grab hold of those chains and lean backward, I will start to move.
Or I could just be sitting there, minding my own business, when someone comes behind and gives me a push. Caught off guard and maybe not even wanting a push, my swing has been swung and, needless to say, movement has been triggered. Gravity acts as an outside force; it pulls me down, while another force keeps me swinging up again in the other direction. For a second, I hit the heights, and then I'm down for another swing. The longer the chains, the bigger my swing. Without gravity, without a push, without chains, my swing wouldn't exist.
You've entered the pendulum effect.

In real life, it might go something like this:
Someone or some ones whom you admire just ignored you.  Secretly feeling irked by this, you begin to think that you must not be worth enough for them to notice you (just got bumped from behind). That hurts and makes you feel bad about yourself. "What's wrong with me," you think, "why would they not acknowledge my existence?" (it may have been a push that got you started, but now you've grabbed hold of the chains and you're pumping the swing)
What should you do now?
If you are anything like me, you won't do the smart thing. Instead, you'll probably dwell on how bad it feels to be undervalued, think about how wrong they are to misjudge you, try to understand why you're not worth their attention.
In full swing now, the argument in your head intensifies. Negative thoughts about yourself pull you down to a dark place where you encounter anger, accusation and blame. Your pursuit becomes this: Can you convince those around that you are worthy of their attention? Can you convince yourself that you really are important, that you really do matter? You might succeed, but it will never last. Why? Because you are swinging, and what goes up always comes down.

Where is Christ in all this?
So engrossed in the swing, you've forgotten about the support that is holding you.
What would happen to your pendulum if it wasn't hanging from anything?
What would happen to your swing if you took away the chains?

We are of Those who Believe

Every now and then I find myself drawn into the whole picture and flow of a Bible passage, and I want to sketch it out in words. This is one of those times and it was so encouraging to me, I wanted to share it here.

Hebrews 10:10-39

By His once and for all time offering, Jesus Christ has forever perfected me, cleansed me completely of all sin. His perfection, learned by His obedience, has been extended to me through His sacrifice.
And...
the Holy Spirit adds His testimony to this.
He writes His laws upon my heart.
He even adds...
"I will remember your sins no more."
Imagine that! My High Priest no longer remembers my sins!
Jesus, My High Priest is great and wonderful and noble.
He has opened a way for me through His own blood, through the sacrifice of His flesh.

Therefore...because of Him...and through Him...

I have full freedom, full confidence
I now have a true and sincere heart
unqualified, limitless assurance, absolute conviction
a conscience wiped clean of guilt
I should seize the hope
Seize it!
not weakly, not wavering
I should boldly come into God's presence.
But wait, look around.
I don't go alone.

All the while that I draw near, I must not forget to study and consider how to bring along with me my brothers and sisters in Christ. I must make sure that they come with the same bold confidence.
We do this together, we need each other, we are responsible for one another.
Otherwise, we could be in danger of falling away, of falling into the trap of sin.
For if you keep on sinning, know this, you face God.
You think that the punishment of death for breaking the Law is bad, it is nothing compared to falling into the hands of the living God.
You don't want to go there!
I don't want to leave you behind, unprotected.
Sure you're tired and feel like you can't hold on anymore. It would be so easy just to give up.
But remember you have been here before, you've been humiliated, suffered abuse, lost your possessions, and you did it all gladly because you knew that you had a better, everlasting possession.
Don't throw it all away!
You need endurance?
You have that in your faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Live by your faith!
We are not of those who shrink back!
We are of those who believe!
Say it to yourself
We are of those who believe!

Do you know someone who needs to be reminded of that?


for more encouragement,
read to the end of the book of Hebrews

Characteristic of Value in Christ

Before the Lord showed me all the things that I depended on to feel good about myself, I would have said that my value was in Christ, I would have thought that He alone gave me worth. My life, however, was lived completely opposite to that truth. I now understand the difference and it has revolutionized my life!

The difference, I believe, can be summarized in the concept of one word: fluctuation.
Fluctuate: uncertain change, up and down or back and forth; change that is unpredictable and unexpected.
The kind of uncertain change that happens when you walk on little grains of sand.
Value that comes from my flesh always fluctuates.

When I felt value by being heard, I talked, people listened, my value went up. When people stopped listening, my value went down, it fluctuated. If someone disagreed with me, I felt value slipping away and in desperation I would argue defensively to hold on to my value. When someone else got praise, I wanted to diminish the value of their accomplishment. Why? Because their increase in value meant a decrease in mine. I felt cheated and only by creating an equality in value could I restore fair balance to my world. My value was in a constant state of fluctuation all day, every day, and all the while I entertained the delusion that I found my value in Christ alone!
What a farce!
Like the swing of a pendulum, my value in the flesh is enhanced or threatened by outside forces, by the words and actions of others.
In contrast, my value in Christ exists on its own, unchanged, rock solid.
How can you know whether you are placing your value in Christ or not? How can you pinpoint those little or big fluctuations in your value? Do you ever wish you could truly live your life in Christ, free from constant insecurity?

Ask the Spirit to show you where your value is coming from.
Consider these questions to identify how and why your value fluctuates.

Does your sense of worth get hungry? 

Does it depend on your actions or the reactions of others? 

Is it influenced to go up or go down by what others do or say? 

Do you find yourself choosing behavior that will gain more attention to your worth? 

Do you need to justify your behavior so that others will not get the “wrong idea” about you?

Your value in Christ cannot and will not fluctuate!
It is Rock solid!

Never changing!

Totally independent of anything you can do!

My Closet of Value

The "I can't find anything to wear" syndrome!

My roommate in college was probably the bubbliest, happiest person I have ever known, but even she could not avoid this syndrome. In fact, she fell victim to the worst case I have ever seen. One afternoon I returned to my room, shocked to find her bed buried in what seemed like 3 feet of clothing! Later, she admitted to literally pulling out every piece of clothing she had in an effort to "find something to wear". What does it really mean when we say there is nothing to wear in my closet? It means that there is nothing to wear that makes me feel good.

My value system is like my closet. Here's how:
I am feeling bad about myself today, so I open my closet to see what I could put on to make myself feel better.  "Hmmm," I say to myself, "maybe I'll try this", and I pull out "being needed". "No," I think, "I need something better today." So I start looking through the closet, moving the hangers one by one, "looking beautiful", "a boy's attention", "something I own", "the best grade", "popularity", "being useful", "recognition", etc.

What's in your closet of value?
What can you find in there that will make you feel good when you need it?

Beauty

a good Body image

your Abilities

the Admiration of important people

when others show you Appreciation

getting Praise

being treated Fairly 

seeing Justice done

attention from Men 

(getting a boyfriend, a husband

having a father)

having a Child

the best Possessions

a higher Education

a good paying Job

being involved in Ministries 

Spiritual gifts

a Position of importance

Good behavior

Being right

keeping a standard of Perfection

not Disappointing

that others have a Good Opinion of you

 receiving Approval

making Friends

your friends Prefer you

being Popular

making lots of Money

Accomplishments

And of course, none of these are valuable to you unless you are seen "wearing" them.

Is there a problem here? Is there any thing hanging in my "closet" that I can keep?

A Shaky Foundation

As a child, I wanted to be heard and I hated being ignored, so I developed a habit of talking, allot. This "habit" included constantly repeating myself, talking louder than those around me, and even worse, interrupting someone already talking. When you talk like that, people tune you out, or avoid you altogether. Unfortunately, I didn't get that memo, but I did begin to sense that people didn't want to be around me.
Panic! This was not good!
I needed those people to make me feel "ok", losing them just made me feel desperate, which in turn made me more annoying. You can see where I'm going with this. My behavior drove away the very people I needed in order to feel affirmed.

Eventually, just being heard was not satisfying enough, I needed others to agree with me. It was not okay knowing someone disagreed, that was equivalent to being wrong! (tremors and shudders) What tactic did I use if I couldn't get them to agree? I simply said it again, repeatedly, as if repetition would convince them that I was right.

My need to be heard along with my annoying behavior, presented quite the dilemma. The value gained by one was constantly being eroded by the other. Victimized by my own voice, I was my worst enemy. To this day, I still stiffen at being told to stop talking or that I am too loud. I can still feel desperate inside at being overlooked or slighted.  It takes me right back to shaky ground and I instinctively reach out for my flesh to make me feel confident about myself.

When your confidence is shaken, what do you instinctively reach out for?
Why are you loved? What do you have to do in order to be loved?
What are you good at? Why do people usually compliment you?
How many ways are you successful at feeling good about yourself?
Like a magician who pulls the rabbit out of his hat for applause, what do you pull out of your bag of tricks to get pumped up when you feel down?

This forms the foundation of what makes you confident, of what gives you value, unfortunately, it is a foundation made up of little grains of sand. Those little grains of sand always keep shifting.

Solid Ground or Sinking Sand

There's a boardwalk on the Jersey shore. I've walked it while juggling my chair, towel, cooler and umbrella; it's an awkward, bulky load but manageable as long as I am walking on the boards. Step off the boardwalk and onto the sand, though, and it all falls apart. Little grains of sand that move, do not a firm foundation make. If you have ever tried to walk in sand, you know what I'm talking about.

Whether we walk confidently or stumble along can be predicted by the ground under our feet. A firm foundation provides sure footing, a sense of security, confidence in our walk. Lose your balance, and instinctively you reach out for something to steady yourself, something to grab on to. In the same way, when your confidence in yourself is shaken, you reach out for something to steady yourself.

What that looks like, exactly, depends on what foundation you've been laying under your feet. By foundation, I mean those things that make you feel good about yourself, that make you feel "ok". Most likely since childhood, you have been accumulating and recording all kinds of things that have made you feel valuable or loveable.  You've learned through reinforcement that, "When I behave a certain way, I get love. This must be good, so I will keep repeating it. When I do this, however, I don't get love or acceptance. This must be bad, I need to hide it and never do it again." While this data has shaped you, it has also taunted you with a sense of shaky confidence. You've built a foundation for how you think and act, but is it solid ground or sinking sand?
Is it based on truth or lies?

Edward Mote, preacher and hymn writer in England during the 1800s, wrote this chorus for his best known hymn,
"On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
all other ground is sinking sand,
all other ground is sinking sand."

On Christ I stand firm, He is solid Rock beneath my feet, anything else but Him is as firm as sand.
Your head tells you that you are standing on that Rock.

Do your feet agree?

Can I repeat the question: Why does all the good I do seem to do no good?

Two things to consider:
1. Just because it looks good to you, doesn't mean it is of the Spirit.
2. What is begun in the flesh, does not lead to a walk in the Spirit

The Bobsled
Two men, using all the strength they have in their legs, push their sled along 50 meters of an icy track in order to gain as much speed as they can before jumping into the sled and carefully steering down a winding and perilous runway.

I think we sometimes get the wrong idea about our Christian life and treat it like a bobsled race. Using our own strength, we try to give ourselves a good "push" to godly living, and somehow assume, that at some point, we can just jump onto the Holy Spirit and He'll pick up the pace, continuing in the same direction.

Well now, since you put it like that, you say, it sounds bad, but is it really such a bad thing to try hard? Is it wrong to make an effort? Doesn't Paul, in his letters to Timothy, tell him to "fight the good fight", "be diligent to present yourself approved to God", "pursue righteousness"? Doesn't God expect me to do my part first?

I am not advocating spiritual laziness, but neither do I want to support fleshly arrogance. I am saying that what I do in the flesh, even though it seems full of good efforts, is not going to be picked up and carried on by the Spirit. Remember, the flesh and the Spirit are constantly opposed to each other. They do not, at any time, work together towards the same goal, they cannot share the same path.
Put it to the test:
Flesh: desires to be glorified, seeks self-satisfaction.
Spirit: desires to glorify God, seeks self-sacrifice.

How certain are you that all your good efforts are in the Spirit? Is God impressed by your attempts at godly living? Are you willing to stand on the ground that your desires match those of the Spirit?

Why does ALL the good I do seem to do NO good?

I have concluded, therefore, that my flesh deceives me; it wants and desires what is bad for me. Flesh and the Holy Spirit cannot and do not walk in harmony with each other; the desires of the one present direct opposition to the other.

Don't you find Paul's description of this opposition amazingly relevant to us today?
"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." Ro. 7:15, 18-19 

However, not all that flesh does looks like sin; it doesn't always have the appearance of evil.
"If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of this world, why, as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as, 'do not handle, do not taste, do not touch!'  (which all refer to things destined to perish with the using) in accordance with the commandments and teaching of men? These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence." Colossians 2:20-23

If you have died with Christ, then why do you live as if you still belong to the world? Why do you allow yourself to be dictated by man-made rules? These have all the appearance of spirituality, but in reality have no value against the flesh, or as the Amplified Version puts it "they are of no value in checking the indulgence of the flesh".
I would like to propose that too much of what we achieve as "good" is really done in the flesh and consequently, has no power against the flesh. Flesh tries really hard to be acceptable in the eyes of man, it makes a really good show of walking in the Spirit, it fakes the appearance of wisdom really well. Really!

James warns me about this kind of wisdom.
"But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing." (3:14-16 NASV)

OUCH James!

In truth, I find that the whole book of James is a direct assault against the inner workings of the flesh in my self-righteous little soul. His letter exposes everything my flesh prefers and calls me to practice everything my flesh hates. It's like James is addressing a church full of people like me, people trying to do good on their own strength, people trying to look "spiritual". Ruthlessly, he peels back the surface to show the ugliness that is the reality inside.
For example:
James: "Consider it joy to encounter a variety of trials",
My flesh: "Pain is bad and should be avoided at all costs."
James: "Do not be deceived, I am enticed by my own lusts",
My flesh: "I'm not responsible, it's not my fault."
James: "Quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger",
My flesh: "I like to look good, I like to feel good, I like to say what's on my mind."
James: "Don't show personal favoritism",
My flesh: "Ooh, those people are awkward, I hope they don't sit near me."
James: "If any man thinks he is religious but doesn't bridle his tongue, he deceives himself. The tongue is a restless evil full of deadly poison",
My flesh: "C'mon, my tongue isn't as bad as all that! Idiot!"
James: "Quarrels and conflicts arise because I'm thinking about how to please myself",
My flesh: "I know, don't you hate it when people are so stubborn about doing it their way!"
James: "Submit myself to God",
My flesh: "This is how I want it to go, God, I expect You to follow the plan."
James: "Be humble",
My flesh: "Yeah, I'm so glad you said that, James, I can think of several people who need to learn humility".
James: "Don't criticize my brother in Christ",
My flesh: "There are plenty of us who think the same way, we've all talked about it"
James: "Don't complain about my brother in Christ",
My flesh: "It's just my opinion"
James: "Patiently endure suffering",
My flesh: Scratch, scratch, scratch; "Rather Die First"
And finally,
James: "Confess my sins to one another",
My flesh: But... but... they might think I'm not perfect!

We've been looking at the ugly side of our flesh, at those lusts that deceive us. Now we will focus in another direction. This time we are going to look at how we put our confidence in the flesh. This is the side of our flesh that gives us strength, that makes us feel capable, the side that you want people to see.