Staring down the dog

No matter how badly you don't want your fear to be true, it just seems too risky to put fear to the test.
You wish it was a lie, may even already suspect it is a lie.  You look for proof that will convince you that it is a lie. It would be so great not to have to believe it anymore! But it has been your "truth" for so long, how can you possibly stop believing it?

Do you realize that you are trying to prove to yourself that a lie is not the truth?
Think about that for a moment.
A lie, by its very nature, can't be the truth. A lie is already a lie, it doesn't need more convincing.
You've spent countless hours and energy at a futile task, trying to prove something that already is.
Look at your fear!
Stare it down and call it what it is, a big fat lie!

Your foundation is shaky, but you live like it was made of cement, as if you have no other choice.
Is your foundation solid ground or sinking sand? Is it based on truth or lies?
When you live by lies, you live in fear. Fear feeds off of lies and eventually leads us to sin.
Here, I'll demonstrate with some of my old lies.

LIE #1: Perfectionism,
being perfect makes me acceptable, mistakes are unacceptable. I can be perfect.
RESULT: I fear failure, I fear being less than perfect. I respond in outbursts of anger, and self-pity when others point out my imperfection.

LIE #2: Injustice is unfair.
I can judge what is just. Injustices are unacceptable, I deserve better.
RESULT: I am argumentative, defensive, I lash out  at others, I feel war going on inside me, instead of peace.

LIE #3: If people really knew me they would reject me.
Eventually, everyone does. I need to fix myself so they will like me.
RESULT: I fear rejection, I am  jealous, I view people as threats.

LIE #4: Guilt and remorse are the same as repentance.
Feeling bad about myself and feeling sorry for my sin are the same thing.
RESULT: I don' confess my sin, I don't live by grace, I don't show grace to others, I'm unforgiving.

Ever notice how the conclusion of our theme passage in Galatians 5 focuses on how we relate to others?
"If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another." Galatians 5:25-26

How do you react when your value, your self-worth is threatened?
Do you become defensive, blame others, draw attention to yourself, convince others you've got it all together?
Do you look for the weaknesses in those who make you feel inadequate? Do you focus on their bad qualities, organize an attack, get angry, write them off as not worthy of attention, since they refuse to acknowledge your value.
This is what happens when SuperFlesh comes to your rescue; it provokes fear and fear draws all your attention to self. The fruit of the flesh is defensiveness, outbursts of anger, self-pity, self-justification, bitterness, dejection, resentment, holding grudges, keeping a list of hurts, withdrawing, running away, panic, detachment from feelings, hopelessness, excessive sleeping, lack of energy, only doing what I feel like doing, mood swings, dependance on externals for elevating mood and feeling happy, addictive behavior, self-harm. The list could go on.
A little shocking isn't it because you just saw yourself in that list and it doesn't feel good.

When we choose the flesh, whether "the good" or the bad, we set ourselves up to destroy relationships. When we focus on keeping our value up, we end up hurting our brothers and sisters in Christ.
Flesh makes us incapable of loving anyone but ourselves.

"If we say that we have fellowship with Him 
and yet walk in the darkness, 
we lie and do not practice the truth;

the one who loves his brother abides in the light 

and there is no cause for stumbling in him. 

But the one who hates his brother 

is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, 

and does not know where he is going 

because the darkness has blinded his eyes. 

Whoever keeps His word, 
in him the love of God has truly been perfected. 
By this we know that we are in Him; 
the one who says he abides in Him 
ought himself to walk 
in the same manner as He walked.

There is no fear in love, 

but perfect love casts out fear, 

because fear involves punishment, 

and the one who fears 

is not perfected in love. 

We love, because He first loved us. 

If someone says, 

"I love God," 

and hates his brother, 

he is a liar; 

for the one who does not love his brother 

whom he has seen, 

cannot love God whom he has not seen."

excerpts from John's first letter

Flesh / Fear / Lies

Spirit / Love / Truth

"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do." Galatians 5:13-17 ESV

Flesh does not slip into a phone booth and come out a super-hero.
It's all ugly, it's all deceptive, it's all garbage, it's all sinking sand.

The little pig who wished she was pink

This is the story of a little pig who lived in the barn and played in the mud everyday.
She was happy and content, free to wander and roll in all her favorite mud ponds.
One day, however, she spied a little pig playing outside with the children.
This little pig lived at the house and had such beautiful pink skin. She was loved and cherished and pampered. The children hugged her and called her sweet names.
The little dirty barnyard pig looked on, thinking "I'm not much different from that little pig, I wonder why no one hugs me like that?" The little pig's happy and contented thoughts vanished, and in their place was an intense longing to be just like the house pig. Then she noticed that she was covered in mud while the other pig was all clean and pretty and pink. Of course, she concluded, it is the clean, pink skin that makes her worthy of being hugged.  The little pig eagerly headed off in search of water where she could wash off all the mud and find happiness.
Suddenly, an awful thought stopped her in her tracks. What if underneath the mud she was not really pink? What if, after washing off, she discovered that she was not really worthy of being hugged, not really beautiful like the other pig? Fear wrapped its bands around her little heart and she was paralyzed by it. "It's not the mud that makes me unhuggable," she thought with horror, "it's that I'm not good enough." More than anything, she wanted to have pink skin, to be hugged and loved. Without that she could never be happy.
But on the other hand, she couldn't bear the thought that what she feared might be true. The fear of discovering that she wasn't lovable grew to be greater than her desire to be loved. That fear drove her straight back to the mud pit. Her only refuge now was to put on more mud, hide behind a thicker layer. She couldn't stray far from the mud now, because it was her only place of security. As long as she stayed there, she didn't have to face that awful fear again.
At times she felt trapped and wanted to be free, but at the slightest hint that she was losing a layer of mud, she resigned herself to her fate. She lived just like she always did, only now, instead of making her happy and content, the mud reminded her that she will never, ever be good enough to be hugged.
Is she happy like this? No, but what other choice does she have?

Why is the pig unhappy? Is she right to conclude that something is wrong with her? Her life would not be miserable now if she hadn't compared her situation to the other little pig. Is it fair that one pig gets treated better than another?

Do you ever think you aren't good enough? Does that make you unhappy? To whom are you comparing yourself?

Like the little barnyard pig, we are resigned to eternal wallowing. We add layer upon layer to hide behind something. We put up walls to block everyone out. It might be fat, depression, anger, rebellion, self-harm, alcohol, drugs, even obnoxious behavior. Our wall keeps others away or distracts from the real pain, the real fear. We provide a reason to be rejected, so that we can't be rejected for the awful fear that we've worked so hard to keep covered. But no matter how deeply we bury it, we are still desperately unhappy, still fear being seen for who we are, still wish someone would love us anyway, still confident they won't, because we don't deserve it.

But what really is the awful fear?
How do you know if it is even true?
Deep down, all of us have faced the fear at one point or another that we really don't matter, we are not worthy of being loved. This may be why the world is so obsessed with "you've got to believe in yourself" psychology. Just in case you might be worried that I'm heading towards pop psychology, take it easy, that's not my goal.
My desire is that you not be deceived by the flesh. I believe the Bible tells us to crucify the flesh, not comfort and console it.
It took a long time, but I finally realized that I can't have it both ways, ie. I can't have my cake and eat it too. Flesh and Spirit do not join forces to improve on, or fix what I don't like about myself. The answer to your fear is NOT going to come from within you, nor will it come from those around you.

The other day I was reading in Isaiah and came upon these verses.

"Who among you fears the Lord 
and obeys his servant? 

That person may walk in the dark 
and have no light. 

Then let him trust in the Lord 
and yet depend on his God. 

But instead, 
some of you want to light your own fires 
and make your own light. 

So, go, walk in the light of your fires 
and trust your own light to guide you. 

But this is what you will receive from Me; 
you will lie down in a place of pain (torment)." 

Isaiah 50:10-11 New Century Version

Scenario: You are in the dark. What do you do?
Do you get some sparks to build your own pitiful little fire in order to feel okay, to light your path?
Or do you trust in the Lord and depend totally on Him, even if it means you stay in the darkness a while longer?

The Irony of it All

Here's a funny thing.
And when I say "funny", I mean ironic.
I started noticing a correlation between what I valued and what I feared.
I wanted people to like me, so my biggest fear was rejection.
Being useful made me feel valuable, therefore, I feared not being needed.
Giving my opinion made me feel significant, while, not being consulted caused me to fear that I was insignificant. I liked being the one that others confided in, but not being the first to hear the news, made me feel insecure about my importance.
Now here's that funny thing.
Most of the time we presume that to avoid loss, one must accumulate more. But have you ever thought about the fact that the more you gain the more you have to lose. Hence, rather than solving the problem of loss, we magnify it. We can never fully achieve, never fully have all those things that make us feel good about ourselves. If these things increase our sense of worth, then it stands to reason that the loss of any one can decrease it.
Were you hoping to gain confidence, be more secure? Ooops
I'm guessing that's not working out too well for you.

Remember that closet of values?
For each item that gives you value, a fear is built in with it.
Can you ever get enough significance, enough value built up so as to block out all fears completely?
You tell me...

Beauty

Fear        Whatever makes me feel ugly

a good Body image

Fear Getting fat/looking fat

your Abilities

Fear someone better than me

the Admiration of important people

Fear What others say

when others show you Appreciation

Fear being overlooked

getting Praise

Fear Criticism 

being treated Fairly, 

Fear Injustice

attention from Men (boyfriend/husband/father)

Fear Abandonment, never getting married

having a Child

Fear Criticism of my children, not having any

Making lots of money

Fear being poor

being involved in Ministries

Fear Ministry given to another

a Position of importance

Fear not being consulted

Being right

Fear Being wrong

being  Perfect

Fear less than perfect

not Disappointing others

Fear Making mistakes

when others have a Good Opinion of you

Fear What others think

when you receive Approval

Fear Disapproval

making Friends

Fear rejection

your friends Prefer you

Fear being excluded, being hurt

being Popular

Fear being laughed at

Accomplishments

Fear failures

Fears are tricky things.
We tend to push them away to some dark corner where we don't have to ever see them again, pretend they don't exist, but then at just the tiny little mention of them, tears well up in our eyes.
Why do fears have such influence over us? Why do they seem to control us?

SuperFlesh to the Rescue

The beginning tremors of a minor earthquake can be very disorienting. The brain senses the movement before being able to identify the cause, so at first it just registers as confusion.
Example.
We were at a camp in the Sierra Nevadas one summer, when an earthquake hit southern California. The tremor was carried up the granite mountains and was felt in the middle of the night. I was awakened by the feeling that our cabin was rocking and, a little frightened, I tried to reason in my mind what was happening. In my groggy state, my brain offered up a possibility that must have satisfied my curiosity because I was able to drift right back to sleep. What did I conclude that put my mind at ease? I decided that it was a bear shaking our cabin. The next morning when I heard about the earthquake, I realized what had really happened and laughed at how ridiculous my explanation was, and even worse, how it made sense to me.

When the foundation of our self-worth suddenly tremors like an earthquake, we become very disoriented and wonder what is wrong. The automatic assumption is that the shaking of my worth comes from outside of me. The instinct is to grab onto something solid, something strong, something that restores my sense of balance.
In comes Flesh to the rescue.
It's not the weak, the ugly, the bad side of flesh that we spent time trying to identify at the beginning of this book; that just makes things worse.
No, only the strong, confident, powerful flesh is welcome at a time like this.
Anyway, aren't we supposed to counter a drop in self-esteem by resurrecting all that is good in us, all the positive? We are in Christ after all. It's not right to think bad thoughts about ourselves. We shouldn't let anyone trash us. Right?
What do you think when there is a tremor in your self-confidence?
"I deserve to be treated better than that."
"I should have been able to do that better."
"I’m not such a terrible person."
"Can’t they see how good I am, I’m just as good as so and so."
"I want someone to recognize my abilities."
"I don't want anyone to think I'm not perfect."
"I can’t stand the thought of someone not thinking well of me."
We welcome the confident flesh to come and tell us who we are in Christ.
hmmm...
does that sound right?
does it even work?

Let's see, do you still doubt yourself?
Do you ever think...
"Something is wrong with me"
"I'm not good enough."
"I'll never be good enough."
"I’m too stupid.
"I'm too ugly.
"I can’t do anything right."
"No one could ever love me."
"I’m bad."
"I always screw everything up."
"I’m just a big failure."
"I’m worthless."

Ooof, this isn't good. We shouldn't believe these things. What happened to our confidence in Christ?
Who has stolen it away? Was it Satan, my husband, a co-worker, someone from church, my "best friend", that gorgeous, popular, always evangelizing, perfect girl, my boyfriend, my room-mate, my boss, my dad, my mom?
If it wasn't for them, I could feel so confident all the time, be more secure with who I am. I wouldn't have to feel like I wasn't good enough, like I wasn't doing enough. I wouldn't have to feel so ugly, so worthless, so undeserving of love.
Would someone please make my ground stop shaking!

When you welcome the flesh to be your hero, rather than being rescued, you guarantee this constant rattling of your adequacy, this never-ending roller coaster of your value. You can't welcome the strength of your flesh and expect it to leave the ugly side at the door. I'm talking about strengthening those things about you that make you feel worthy, valuable, significant. It is a delusion to bolster your own self-confidence on the grounds that you are in Christ. Flesh is the frame that surrounds feeling good about yourself,  looking good in front of others, self-promotion. Once flesh has put its mark on your self-worth, do you really think it wants to just hand all it has accomplished over to Christ? Do you think it would ever be willing to draw you towards finding your value in Christ alone, thereby giving up its own claim? Not likely!
Remember that the flesh doesn't work in conjunction with the Spirit, it works in constant opposition.
It may seem worthwhile and you may feel as if you have accomplished powerful things, but in the flesh all you have done is build a foundation that is shaky, inadequate and confusing at best.
It can never be solid like a Rock.
Think about it!
If your value is in Christ alone, can anyone steal it away from you?
Is it that fragile as to be threatened by someone's beauty, brains or talents?
No, it isn't! But the value gained in the flesh is.
It is always insecure, always vulnerable.

In Christ, I find all that I am, all that I need, the only thing that gives me value, the only Person that makes me significant. My identity is in Him and it is as secure as a rock. I belong to Christ and He defines who I am. Nothing I do can make it more true than it already is, and no one can take it away.
When I seek to add to my value, essentially, I am saying that Christ's value is not enough.
I must have more and from many sources.
That is not living by the truth of who I am in Christ.

The truth is that I don't deserve better, I should just go ahead and accept that.
The truth is that there is nothing good in me apart from Christ. So how is it bad if people think I'm bad?
I know I'm not perfect, so why should I make others think I am. That's a lie!
The truth is that I am loved beyond anything I can imagine. Can anyone love me more than Christ?
The truth is that I am in Christ, bought with a precious price, I am not my own. I have no more right to call myself worthless than to claim honor for myself.

Listen to what Oswald Chambers has to say on the subject.

"Oh the bravery of God in trusting us! 

Do you say, 

"but He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing good in me and I have no value"? 

That is exactly why He chose you. As long as you think that you are of value to Him He cannot choose you, because you have purposes of your own to serve. But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him.

We tend to say that because a person has natural ability, he will make a good Christian. 

It is not a matter of our equipment, but a matter of our poverty; 

not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; 

not a matter of natural virtues, of strength of character, of knowledge, or of experience, 

all of that is of no avail in this concern." 

[rejection] OUCH!

ooooohh the dreaded whisper in your ear, "they don't like you anymore".

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to be liked.
In the middle of my first grade, we moved to another state. I never made a single friend in that school. That summer we moved again to another city. I was bigger than the other kids and felt terribly awkward.  For some inexplicable reason, the cutest, most popular girl in class befriended me. I learned the importance of being included by the right person, the value gained from being with the cool kid.
Things got worse. In the 5th grade, some boy saw the black hair on my arms and called me an ape. Then there was the pink elephant nickname I got in 6th grade due to my favorite pair of pink polyester pants. I learned not to feel secure in how I felt about myself. The perception of others could change everything, and I was positively sure that it mattered.
I could make good grades though, so when we moved to Louisiana in 7th grade, my new best friend was not only the smartest girl in the class but also the prettiest. Again, I gained value and security in my friendship, but I was never fully able to trust that it would last. By then I was convinced that everyone would reject me, eventually. I sought after friends because they were my biggest source of self-worth, but they were also my biggest threat of rejection. Does it sound like I used people? Well, it's true, that is exactly what I did.
Do you fear rejection? Do people threaten you? Do you use people?
We instinctively look to others to infuse value into our insecure little beings. We build cisterns that won't hold water, all the while feeling sorry for ourselves because we can never seem to keep the cistern full.

Through Jeremiah the prophet, the Lord told the people "you have committed two evils, you have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewn out cisterns for yourselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water." Jeremiah 2:13

How ironic that we are so absorbed with fear of rejection from others, so busy seeking to be filled with things or people outside of Christ, that we never give thought to the fact that we are rejecting Him.

This obsession with our own value isn't just irony, or folly, or even insanity, it is pure evil!

Self-Worth, Should I have any?

How would you define self-worth?
Would it be too simple to say that self-worth is value that comes from within yourself? How about defining it as the confidence that there is something in you that makes you worthy of recognition, of love, of time, etc.
When your self-worth is in question, do you ever try to convince yourself that you really do matter?
How many times a day do you question your worth? How often do you hear the nagging voice that says you're not worth it, you don't really matter?

That little voice of doubt is a strong motivator. It motivates us to take on certain identities.
I'll introduce three, because I think most of us can identify with at least one of them.
First I'll mention the one closest to my heart, the High Achiever.
This is the person who works really hard to prove worth by actions. It might be that he has a skill or talent, and therefore, he needs to stay on top of the game, always being better or the best. Some High Achievers need to be the best in everything they do, leaving them with no room to fail.
Then there is my second "favorite", the Criticizer.
This person elevates his self-worth by cutting down others, whether verbally or mentally. He finds comfort in the thought that others are worse. He may surround himself with lessers so that he feels worth more, or find his worth boosted by keeping company with others who are just as critical.
And finally, there is the Self-Loather.
This person takes on a false identity, the opposite of confidence. He exaggerates his negative qualities, talking badly about himself, so that others will contradict and feed him positive comments. He manipulates people to say the things he needs to hear in order to silence those feelings of self-doubt.
So, do any of these identities fit you?

There is a flaw in the "self-worth" tank; it is full of cracks. You know this by experience, because no matter how high the level of worth rises in your tank, it never seems to stay there. That's because self-worth can't exist on its own. It needs the constant re-affirmation of others.

Isn't self-worth just a disguise for self-centeredness?
Sadly, when I am centered on self, it is impossible for me to love.

“Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, 

but our adequacy is from God.” 

2 Corinthians 3:5

"We put no confidence in human effort. 

Instead, we boast about what Christ Jesus has done for us." 

Philippians 3:3

Human effort, my own goodness, my abilities to keep the law, my "ability" to be perfect, what gives me value on this earth, whatever commends me, my zealous devotion, my spirituality, my awesome ministries, none of these should be a source of confidence. Paul says that he once thought these things were important, but now considers them worthless, garbage, worthy of the dung heap.

Considering all this, I have to ask myself the question, is self-worth worth having?
Should the believer, walking in the Spirit, expect to have self-worth, or is it one of those things that should die when he carries his cross?