Back in the Butter

Being a missionary often elevates one to a celebrity status; people automatically give respect to the position, earned or not. Everyone listens to you, goes to you for advice, chooses your side in an argument, repeats what you say as gospel.
Then you move back home and suddenly you are just like everyone else, a nobody, with no power, no authority, no opinion. You have to start at the bottom and work your way up.
Pretty soon, you find yourself longing for the good old days when you were important, when your opinion mattered.
Remember when you were important?
Hold that thought; you'll need it in order to relate to the story.

How is it that I managed to leave Job out of a chapter on suffering, and yet here, at the beginning of this chapter, his story surfaces? I'm a little mystified myself since it was only last week, as I was reading the book of Job, that I discovered it fit humility like a glove.

Job's story in the Bible is a difficult series of painful speeches between him and some friends who have come to offer comfort, though I have some serious doubts as to whether "comfort" was their true purpose. They argue that Job must have done something bad, that his current suffering reveals a wickedness beneath all his apparent righteous behavior. Their arguments only provoke more defense from Job, since he can easily produce plenty of examples of men, who happen to be much more wicked than himself, living a blissfully happy life, and thereby proving them wrong. Where is the justice of God in all this? Sound familiar?
Job won't go so far as to curse God, but you get the feeling that he has a few choice things to say, if he could just get an audience with him.

In Job's final impassioned defense (ch 29), he describes the position he used to have in the community,
when his steps were "bathed in butter", when he would go out to the gate of the city where all the important dignitaries gathered. Here the young men would step back, the old men would stand up, and princes would stop talking, putting their hands on their mouths. A hush would descend on the group when Job arrived, as if their tongues were stuck to their palates. "To me they listened and waited and kept silent for my counsel," Job said.
But now, Job is humiliated, now young men mock him, the very sons of men that Job would not have considered worthy enough to mingle with his sheep dogs. They taunt him and make fun of him. He has become one who is despised, one whose condition is so disgusting, that no one comes near him except to spit on him.
Job is humbled and afflicted. Looking up at the height of his former glory makes his collision against the ground all the harder, and the distance of his fall all the more painful.

Elihu, who has kept quiet because of his youth, gets fed up with this useless arguing. His anger burns at Job for constantly defending himself rather than God, and to the others for condemning Job without really answering him. You are not right in this, he tells Job, for God is greater than man.
You are a fool, Job, who defiantly claps his hands in front of us and multiplies his words against God, senseless words without knowledge. You have only succeeded in adding rebellion to your sin, Job. (job34:37)

Then the Lord speaks out of a whirlwind, and Job, with only one thing to say, finally stops multiplying words. "I am unworthy, how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth." (40:4)
Hey Job, isn't that how you used to be treated, how you longed to be treated again? How ironic!

I've often struggled with understanding where Job went wrong. He was right to say that his suffering wasn't due to sin, right to claim his own righteousness. Hadn't God Himself claimed he was righteous? Didn't He tell Satan that Job was the most upright man on earth?  All Job wanted was a chance to defend himself, a chance to question God. What was so wrong with him demanding to know why he was suffering? When the Lord speaks, He is obviously annoyed with Job, but why? I could never put my finger on it, and it bothered me. I needed to know so that I wouldn't make the same mistake. Where did Job go wrong, what did he fail to understand, what has he seemed to have grasped at the end, so that God restores blessing to him?

This time a light bulb came on, and I think I see it.
Job's problem was his pride.
Through all his suffering, he couldn't stop defending his exalted self, wouldn't stop seeing himself as the kind of man worthy of commanding silence from those around him. Despite the extreme physical humiliation he suffered, Job had gotten caught up in the current of his pride, constantly swirling in the pool of his own significance, because he had not brought his spirit down to match his circumstances, had not yet been humbled in his own mind.
Pride hates to be brought down from its lofty place, because pride seeks worship, and as long as we seek to elevate our own worth, we can not worship God. Pride is idolatry.

You know what Job's story implies?
Pride talks too much.
Humility requires a hand over my mouth, it is best achieved when I shut up.
Uh-oh
This is a real problem for me.
How my words have been multiplied by pride!
This isn't gonna be pretty.

Pink Polyester Pants

"I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine"
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I'm about to reveal my deepest, darkest humiliations.

Once in the fifth grade, this kind of cute boy in my class suddenly became aware of the black hair that grew like grass on my arm. What do you think a ten year old boy would say to this? A ten year old boy would very loudly announce that "you look like an ape". Ooof, I was horrified. What was I supposed to do about that? The hair on my arm was outside my control. I scolded God for His role in this seemingly random and completely unfair choice. He could have made me a blond!
Then, in the sixth grade, I had a favorite pair of pants, bright pink polyester pants that my mom had sewn for me. Polyester knit, in my opinion, is possibly the worst synthetic material ever invented, but I loved those pants, til a different cute boy in my class started calling me "Pink Elephant". It slowly dawned on me that these pants I had worn practically everyday, under the delusion that I looked good in them, actually brought this humiliation upon me. Betrayed by my own perception, I shoved my horror deep within and kept it hidden, but I never forgot, and I never wore those pink pants again!
For three more years my weight mocked me, though looking back, it felt like a lifetime. I was finally able to shed those pounds, and being thin gave me a new confidence, a new belief in myself. My time had come to rise to the top, to no longer cower behind my image. Convinced that my weight had been holding me back, and having lived in fear of the mockery that could jump out at any moment and mortify me, I knew freedom and power for the first time, and I loved how high it made me feel.
So when I finally realized what the Bible had to say about humility, I considered myself "off the hook" for two reasons. First, this could only apply to people who had never been humiliated and needed to learn the lesson;  and secondly, I already served my "humility" sentence, therefore, I didn't need to do any more time. Besides, I had been humbled enough, God wouldn't be so cruel to want me to be humbled more!

Doesn't it seem like humility is going backwards, going in the wrong direction?
I mean, I can't say that humility ever achieved anything for me.
In all honesty, I find it difficult to believe that humility is really necessary in my everyday life, don't see a place where it seems to fit into my daily activities.

Then again, why would I think I need humility? I'm daft enough to think I don't have a problem with pride either.

To follow Christ is to take up your cross daily, to crucify the flesh, to die to self.
To follow Christ is to be a dead man walking, to be someone who wakes up everyday with a death sentence.

Of the  four tools God uses to help us die to self,  we have, up to this point, covered weakness and suffering. Flesh cleverly creates counterparts for weakness and suffering that keep us stuck in muck, but God uses the authentic kind to free us from the sludge and allow us to walk in the Spirit. While weakness and suffering require complete surrender to God's truth, the next two, humility and repentance, require radical changes of heart. These two will go straight for the jugular of our flesh, that is, our pride and sin.  Like a weakened and broken Frodo Baggins, who finds himself staring up at the top of Mount Doom, preparing to finish off the true source of all the evil in Middle Earth, we have now arrived at our Mordor of the flesh.
Or to use a plant analogy, I can cut down the weeds in my yard, but if I don't get them up by the root, they will just grow back. Humility and Repentance will get at the root of your flesh.

So, yes, humility is more than necessary, because neither the roots nor the fires of my pride will be dug up or quenched in one tug or splash. Mine is a pervasive pride that can never be humbled too much.

Your pride needs humility when....
you want to insist on being right.
you are falsely accused.
someone less qualified than you is promoted.
you want to prove that you are better.
you are comparing yourself to someone else.
you are overlooked, not appreciated, not recognized.
you try to put another down so as to put them in their place.
you can only be seen with the "in" crowd.
you need to show off.
you refuse to give up your rights.
you think of yourself as better than those whom you serve.
you want revenge.
you resent those who do better than you.
you need to wait in silence.
you want to worship God.
you pray.

"Pride must die in you, or nothing of heaven can live in you."
Andrew Murray, Humility

Making Reservations at the Spa

"And I will bring the third part through the fire, 

refine them as silver is refined 

and test them as gold is tested." 

zechariah13:9

"I have tested you in the furnace of suffering." 

isaiah48:10

You know how the story goes.
You've entered a trial and the heat feels unbearable. What is the thing you want most right now?
Sure, you know that God has a purpose in all this, that he is making you into something better, yada yada yada, but what you want most of all is relief.
Hello, how long do I have to be in here? I think I'm ready now; I think I've learned enough.

Phew, it's over, cuttin' it close, aren't we?
Boy, do I need some serious recovery time! Did you make my reservation at the spa? I'm ready to receive my blessings, sure hope they make that trial seem worth it.

Fire destroys.
Fire purifies.
Fire makes hard stiff metals bendable and mold-able.

The Lord says,
"I know that you are obstinate, and your neck is an iron sinew, and your forehead bronze." isaiah48:4
I can just see myself banging my bronze forehead against a brick wall; hardheaded and stubborn is what I am.

How does the blacksmith get iron to take on a different shape? First the iron is forced into a really hot fire, and when he thinks the metal is hot enough, he pulls it out. The heat has done nothing to change the shape, it has only prepared the metal for what comes next, the hammer. He pounds it and pounds it until the iron cools, at which point, it must be returned to the fire to start the process all over again.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you;" 1peter4:12

Does the heat catch you by surprise?
It shouldn't.
Does the furnace feel like you are somewhere you aren't supposed to be?
It shouldn't.
Maybe, you aren't surprised by the flame, but I bet you weren't expecting the hammer.
The furnace has gotten you ready for the hammer, precisely when the pounding must take place, before you cool off, and don't be surprised if the Blacksmith has to put you back in the furnace again.

So forget that idea about the spa folks, and when you throw your arms wide to receive those blessings, don't be surprised if they come from a few whacks of the hammer, too.

"When through fiery trials your pathway shall lie
My grace all-sufficient shall be your supply
The flame shall not hurt you, I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine"
from isaiah43:2

The Saddest Life Award

And now,
the winner of The Saddest Life Award is...
drum roll please
and the winner is...
just let me open this envelope,
And, the award goes to....

Jeremiah, son of Hilkiah, of the priests of Anathoth in Benjamin, for living the most all around disappointing life ever.

You, Jeremiah, win this award for totaling more depressing message hours than any other prophet, for not being allowed to marry and have children, for wishing your mother's womb had been your grave, for having the worst imprisonment experience, muddy seat at the bottom of a cistern, for being the most ridiculed man of your town, for receiving death threats every time you spoke, for thinking you were lucky to not have been hauled off in captivity, only to find out, from the Lord, that the captives in Babylon were the "good figs", and you were actually left behind to rot with the "bad ones".

Jeremiah, we looked high and low to find all the people who have showed you kindness in your sad, pitiful life. We understand that the king of Babylon treated you kindly, but unfortunately, he was unavailable to come and be here today, (some peculiar explanation about mad cow's disease, or something like that, very strange).

However, we were able to find the one other person in your life that was kind to you. This man, upon hearing that you had been dropped into the cistern, bravely stood up for you before the king, and then, with much ingenuity, took worn out clothes and rags from the king's palace to make a rope long enough to get you out. Jeremiah, here he is, the man who rescued you from the pit, Ebed-melech of Ethiopa.

Unlike the story of Joseph or even Job, Jeremiah's life has no happy ending, no amazing come back. It plays out like a tragic movie with an anti-climactic end.

Jeremiah had messages of hope for the captives in Babylon, but for the ones in Jerusalem, there was very little hope to give. The final few remaining had one chance for good, and that was to stay in Jerusalem. They chose instead to run to Egypt, where they hoped to escape famine and war, despite the Lord's message that both hunger and the sword would find them there. Jeremiah must go with them in their disobedience, and in Egypt, they would die.

Maybe, in a strange way, his tragic life makes him more like a character to whom we can relate. Jeremiah didn't hold back when describing his pain and sorrow, he was real about it, asked the hard questions. I like to think of him as a sort of spokesman for the sufferer.
A prime example:

"Why is my pain unceasing, 

my wound incurable, 

refusing to be healed? 

Will you be to me 

like a deceitful brook, 

like waters that fail?" 

jeremiah15:18 ESV

Does Jeremiah speak for you?
Can you relate to pain that refuses to heal, whether physical or emotional?

"The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words. 

I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss." 

lamentations3:19-20 NLT

Remember my affliction, Jeremiah says, remember my wandering, remember the wormwood (the poison) and bitterness. Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me.

Remember, remember, remember!
I remember my misery, even when I don't want to. At times, it is all I can think about. I would love to not remember, but it seems impossible to forget pain. And it isn't just the memory that consumes my thoughts, but the anticipation that it will never come to an end clings as tightly as the actual suffering.
Jeremiah forgets nothing, unless it is happiness (3:17).
Is that what we have to look forward to?

"But this I call to my mind, and therefore I have hope. 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, 

his mercies never come to an end. 

They are new every morning; 

great is your faithfulness.

'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 

therefore I will hope in Him. 

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him. Let him put his mouth in the dust, there may yet be hope." (3:21-28)

This I actively bring back to my mind, the truth of the Lord's unfailing love, compassion and mercy. These are the things that will go on without end. These are the things that must be remembered, must be anticipated. My soul may remember my suffering, but it also says, "The Lord is my inheritance", and that is the hope I will wait for with great expectation. It is good for me to sit holding my words in my mouth, when I feel the weight I think I can't bear, when it gets too heavy, when I find myself face down in the dirt, eating humble pie.

One day, our daughter unwittingly confessed to her dad that she could make herself cry fake tears. “Really, how do you do that?” he asked her. “I just remember things that make me sad,” she said, “like my grandfather dying, or giving away my dog.” I think sometimes we unwittingly use the same technique for the opposite; we try to make ourselves happy be recalling memories from the past that make us feel good. Does our source of joy come from looking back, from earthly experiences?

Jeremiah knew very little of earthly joy, so when he speaks of the Lord's compassion and unfailing love, from what event does he borrow it, from what memory does he know it? Having lived a predominantly sad life; he does not have the luxury of calling to mind "mountain top" experiences of joy.  In fact, the few times he even speaks of joy is like a blurb on the screen of mourning that characterizes his life. Like in the case of his perpetual pain mentioned above, the only joy Jeremiah seems to know comes from the words of the Lord, apart from that, his life is sad and lonely. "I did not sit in the company of revelers," he says, "nor did I rejoice; I sat alone, because your hand was upon me, for you had filled me with indignation." He is hyper-sensitive to every nerve of his being, to every memory of pain, every affliction suffered.

If his rare spurts of rejoicing last little more than seconds between his painful memories, does that still count as joy?
What does our "joy" word count have to be in order to say that we have rejoiced?
How many times must we be joyful in our sufferings, in order for it to count?
Does it only count if joy occupies more space in our minds than misery?
Are we disqualified from being joyful, if we let slip anything that describes our pain?
Or can we say what we really feel, really think?

"this life sucks"

If your soul can say "it's a good thing my hope isn't in this life, my hope is in the Lord," then, yeah, go ahead and say it. "This life sucks." You need not apologize if your suffering today feels more like mourning than joy, as long as you know and can say that the Lord is your eternal inheritance. That is what counts. Your joy is in knowing what your future holds, knowing that this pain will end, while the mercies of the Lord never will.

Like David says of the Lord, "For his anger is but for a moment and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." You have turned my mourning into dancing; You have removed my robes of grieving and clothed me with gladness, that my soul may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord, I'm going to be thanking you forever. psalm30

Joy expressed, even if it only lasts a second, is joy without limits, an eternal and abundant joy, an every morning, fresh supply joy.

Remember, momentary affliction, eternal glory?
Now remember, failing waters, unfailing love.

When Evil is Done to You

What did Joseph ever do to earn such hatred from his brothers?
It wasn't his fault that his father loved him more, or that God had given him the ability to interpret dreams.
It certainly wasn't enough to deserve to be dropped into a deep well, or be sold as a slave to traveling merchants. That was the kinder option; the original plan was to kill him. I wonder, in his sufferings, if he ever wished that they had.

People can be so hateful.

Joseph was treated cruelly by family members; they misjudged and misunderstood him. His brothers robbed him of his freedom, of the loving care of parents, the comfort of home, of being there to see his little brother grow up. In exchange, they gave him slavery, culture shock, language barriers, strange food, Montezuma's revenge and pagan practices. He endured slavery, and if that wasn't enough, he was imprisoned for crimes he didn't commit.
What would you have done under the same circumstances?
Even a fellow prisoner forgot him, left him to rot in jail after promising to help. That one disappointment alone would be enough to keep one of us in bitterness for the rest of our life. You know it's true, so in all honesty, I don't think any of us, my self least of all, could have borne so much suffering.

Still, Joseph had to have laid all the blame on his brothers, none of this would have happened if they hadn't plotted against him. Betrayal and harm from family members is the worst kind of all, the most difficult to accept.  These are the ones that you expect to love you, that shouldn't let you down. If you can't trust your family, then who can you trust?

In an amazing reversal of circumstances, God brings Joseph from being a prisoner to being the most powerful man in Egypt, second only to Pharoah. That gift of interpreting dreams, the one that had brought Joseph so much misery, was finally used for good, used to save nations, but more importantly, the lives of Joseph's relatives, God's people. So when Joseph, looking 100% Egyptian and extremely powerful, finally reveals himself to his brothers, what do you think he said to them? He's had years to plan his revenge, and now he has all the power to do it.
What would you have said?

Well, he tells them not to be angry at themselves for what they had done. (genesis45:4-8)

Oh c'mon! Really, Joseph, I think you've gone too far.
If I can't be bitter with those who have hurt me, at least let me have the pleasure of knowing they hate themselves for it. They're supposed to feel bad, really bad, never forgiving themselves, living with their guilt til their dying breath.
How can you wish that they not?
How can you forgive them that much?

"So it was not you who sent me here, but God." (45:8)
Apparently, Joseph didn't hold his brothers responsible for his suffering. Instead, he looked beyond their actions and saw God's hand directing it. Because of that, he was able to release them from their debt, and amazingly still not be angry at God. His rationale being, how could he accept only the good from God and not the bad.

Much later, when their father dies, Joseph's brothers fear that now he will seek vengeance, demonstrating, not only, that they had not totally believed the sincerity of Joseph's forgiveness, but that they themselves knew their sin deserved retribution, knew that if they were in his shoes, they would seek revenge.

Once again, Joseph releases them from their debt, his rationale this time, "you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." (50:20)

Wait a minute, let me see if I got this right.

Joseph admits that his brothers acted against him out of pure evil. I find it amazing that he doesn't have to somehow justify, minimize, or excuse their evil as misguided, or unintentional in order to forgive. Forgiveness is impossible to achieve in the flesh, therefore, we too often try to make it easier by creating a false reality. "In your face" evil cannot be forgiven, for that would be "letting it off the hook", so to speak. As a result, too few of us know what it is to truly forgive. Here is another thing that Joseph's admission tells me: forgiveness doesn't diminish, deny nor change the fact that the one who has harmed you has done evil against you.

Joseph believes that God can use man's evil for good purposes, a thought that is almost incomprehensible. Even though people act with purely evil motives towards us, God can still use that for good, and it isn't just that He can turn that evil around and somehow by His goodness make it better. He can and does, from the very beginning, intend for that act of evil to be for my good, or more importantly, for the unselfish act of good for others. God had used the evil of Joseph's suffering "to bring about that many people should be kept alive", including the very ones who had hurt Joseph in the first place.

If you are suffering from evil that has been done to you, let me ask you the most important question that you can take from this man's life.
Have you forgiven as Joseph forgave?
Or are you trying to make forgiveness happen in the flesh, by creating a false framework where forgiveness seems possible?

If you choose to hold onto the debt of those who have hurt you, choose to not forgive, your journey of walking in the Spirit ends right here. It is impossible to do both. I know your flesh is telling you "I would rather die first than forgive". Well, here is your chance to accommodate it. Forgiveness may be the first really, deadly blow to your flesh that you will have experienced thus far, so go ahead and let'em have it.
You have no idea how good it'll feel!

Eternal Weight Lifting

By this point, I hope you are realizing that suffering is essential to walking in the Spirit. Maybe you have even begun to entertain the possibility of accepting the suffering that comes from God's hands.

A definite possibility.

How do you feel about suffering that touches your life because of the disobedience of others?

A definite problem.

Surely, the Lord would not intend for me to have to suffer the consequences of my husband's sin, my child's rebellion, my father's drinking habit, my mother's selfishness. The things I suffer for their disobedience are unfair and undeserved. God could not intend for me to endure them, could he?

This was it, this was exactly what they had been hoping for, and he had seen it first hand! Beauty, richness, abundance would all be theirs, ripe for the picking. His mouth watered as he remembered those grapes, oh my! When, in his miserable life, had he tasted such sweetness? Imagine those plump, juicy little delights being made into wine. The Lord wasn't exaggerating when He called this the promised land! After slavery in Egypt, that hot, dry year at Mt. Sinai, and the trek across the desert, Caleb could hardly wait to get in there and conquer it. Hadn't he seen the exact piece of land he wanted when they had gone in to scout? He could already picture himself there enjoying the rest he had waited so long to find.
There was no doubt in his mind that God would be with them. After what He did in Egypt, taking this land would be a piece of cake. Even those giants couldn't present an obstacle too big for his God. Besides, God is faithful to His promises; he never stopped believing that.
Standing before Moses, Aaron and the people, Caleb listened as his fellow spies gave their report. Yes, he thought, show'em those grapes, get them excited about the fruit of the land. Wait! No! What are you saying? You're going to discourage them; it's not nearly as bad as you make it sound. He had to speak up, "listen, we have to go possess the land, we can do this!" "Right?", he said, turning to the others who had been with him for the last 40 days, and nodding his head. Only Joshua looked at him in agreement.
The rest continued to paint horrible pictures of the people in the land, to talk about the fortresses surrounding the cities. Tearing their clothes, Caleb and Joshua begged the people not to rebel against the Lord. "Don't listen to this report! These people are vulnerable, because we have the Lord with us", they cried.
He spoke up, but no one listened. He begged the people to have faith, but they preferred instead to take the easy route, to give in to fear. He stood alone against a nation of more than 1 million people.
Though his faith meant that he would be one of only two men standing there that day to eventually be allowed into the land, Caleb still had to suffer the long forty years of desert wandering and waiting.
He had had faith to do what was right, he had spoken up for what was right, he had been willing and ready to act on what was right, but in the end, he still had to suffer with everyone else for their sin, not his. How did he get up every one of those 14,000 plus days and not feel great bitterness? How did he get through those 40 years of waiting for his reward, 40 years of suffering?
numbers13&14

I'm not sure I like this aspect of suffering. People who make bad choices should keep their suffering to themselves, thank you. Those who do the right thing shouldn't have to suffer, just because the people around them are stubborn and stupid.

"For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong. For Christ also died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, in order that He might bring us to God, having been put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit;" (1peter3:17-18)

Hmmm.....

Where would I be if Jesus had shared my attitude?
How did He endure agony on the cross for my sin?
For the joy set before Him, He endured the shame, says the author of Hebrews. (12:2)

Whether my suffering lasts 8 hours, 10 days, 12 months, 40 years, or a lifetime, what is that compared to eternity with the Lord. Put together all the lifetimes of every person ever born, and it still only amounts to a flash in the pan. They share something that eternity does not, an end.
"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." (1corinthians4:16-18)

I don't really know of anything that makes suffering the consequences of others' actions seem justifiable, right, or pleasant. Honestly, though, we are not strangers to pain for a better reward. Perfect example: body building. P90xers* know this, flat out, if you want to build muscle, it has to hurt. To weight lifters, that kind of pain feels good. Insane!
But then I got to thinking, what is the difference between hurting my muscles and suffering? Why do we welcome one and not the other?
My first thought was the reward. You have to want what comes with all the pain. As much as I want and am grateful for eternity in the Lord's presence, I still don't get how that helps me find joy in suffering now, especially unfair suffering. I can agree with the psalmist who wrote, "Whom have I in heaven but Thee and besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth." psalm73:25, but still find it so impossible to feel joy in the suffering. Why can't I welcome the burn that eternal weight lifting brings?

There is one really HUGE difference between hurting muscles and hurting me.

My muscles don't have pride.

It hurts my pride that I would have to suffer for the sins of others, that I have to suffer for doing what is right, that I would have to suffer for people who aren't acting sorry enough for what they have done to me. Pride, the beating heart of my flesh, isn't going to have a good attitude about suffering, and that's putting it mildly.

What shall we do about this pride?
^smile^
Make the next chapter about humility?



*P90x is a Beach body workout by Tony Horton

Philosopher or Follower

What is the meaning of life?
Why was I put on this earth?
What is my purpose here?

Say you get to the end of your life, and look back, what will you need to see in order to feel your life had meaning, in order to not feel regret?
you were successful
always had plenty of what you wanted
that you were loved
that you always tried to do good to others
grew old with your spouse
raised healthy, successful kids
became famous
had strong faith
made mostly good choices
provided for your family
you were liked by all
helped people in need
made a difference
you were happy
achieved your goals
were true to yourself

What makes life meaningful?

After wading through various dilemmas proposed by Thaddeus Metz in an article titled "The Meaning of Life" at the online Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, I summarized a few, for you to think about.
Do I need God to make my life meaningful?
If my life derives meaning from fulfilling God's purposes, does that devalue me, make me less significant? Does saying that I have no purpose apart from God make me less human? If God gives meaning to our lives, he would give equal meaning to all, irrespective of action, making the meaning of one life no different from another. Intuitively, this appears to be wrong, says the author.
What is the meaning of meaningful? Does meaningful mean happy, moral, significant, successful, goal-oriented, purposeful?
Does meaning in life come from those we love, or who loves us?
The supernatural view vs the natural view: A naturalist would point out that "a purely physical world seems able to do the job for which God is purportedly necessary". For that to be true, you have to believe that, in the place of a just God, there is a cosmic justice that acts on nature. The philosopher would ask the spiritualist, "What is it about God that makes Him uniquely qualified to give meaning to your life?"
Is God my only source of meaning? Can I not give meaning to myself? According to the author, for me to get meaning from God, He can't be like me, for if God and I were alike, than that would preclude that I can, just as easily, derive meaning from myself. But if God is utterly not like me, utterly perfect, (which he would have to be for there to be any reason to necessitate meaning coming from him) then he is totally beyond relating to, and therefore, unable to give me meaning. Can one love a perfect being? Can a perfect being even be a person? Why must my meaning come from a perfect being? Can't a very good being give me meaning just as well?

Philosophers! They philosophize themselves into knots, and don't have a chance of treading water, much less walking on it.

Solomon was a philosopher. He may have gotten more than he bargained for, when he asked for great wisdom and knowledge, because he writes, " in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain." (ecclesiastes1:18) His lifetime of understanding and brilliance had only served to burden him, for, at the end, he said, "I hated life, for the work which had been done under the sun was grievous to me; because everything is futility and striving after wind." (2:17) Man is never satisfied with his work, if his soul loves money, he will never have enough. All man, whether good or evil, face the same end; they come into the world naked and that's exactly how they leave it. "What is crooked cannot be straightened, and what is lacking cannot be counted." (1:15) Solomon, after reaching the most achievable wisdom and glory, knew that nature could not take the place of God, that without God, life had no purpose.
"Consider the work of God, for who is able to straighten what He has bent? In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider God has made the one as well as the other." (7:14)
His conclusion?
"fear God and keep His commandments, for God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether good or evil." (12:13-14)

Does God have a purpose for your life? Are you interested in finding it? What if that purpose was to suffer?

That's a rather odd and seemingly perverse one, wouldn't you say? I admit it sounds masochistic, but suffering is only perverse if you are getting fleshly pleasure out of it. That's not what Peter had in mind when he said, "Servants, you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps." (1peter2:21)

What purpose could suffering have in my life?
For one, it is your best weapon against sin. "Therefore since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin." (4:1) For another, to suffer like Christ is to be glad now, and to be jumping for joy later, when Christ's glory is revealed. (13) Then there is the promise attached, "and after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself, perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." (5:10) That was perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish, okay, got it?

 And lastly, consider Jesus's words:
"The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified."
If a grain of wheat never goes into the ground to die, it just sits there, by itself, never fulfilling its purpose; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it; and he who hates his life in this world shall keep it to life eternal. If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there shall My servant also be; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.
"Now My soul has become troubled; and what shall I say, 'Father, save Me from this hour'? But for this purpose I came to this hour. 'Father, glorify Your name.'" (john12:23-28)

Suffering helps me along to my death, and that doesn't give me purpose, it is my purpose.
What should I say, then, to this pain and suffering, "Father, deliver me?"
No, but instead, I should say "Father be glorified!"

At the end of your life, when you look back, what will you see?
Will you see your footprints following those of Christ?




Metz, Thaddeus, "The Meaning of Life", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Summer 2013 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.), URL = <http://plato.stanford.edu/archives/sum2013/entries/life-meaning/>.

The Musical Stylings of Baruch

Imagine you are the scribe for Jeremiah, writing the words the Lord has given him regarding Israel and Judah. The scroll you are writing is full of warning, so that, maybe, your fellow countrymen will turn from their wickedness, and the Lord will forgive their sin. You, Baruch, are busily writing away, focused on the words Jeremiah is dictating, when it suddenly dawns on you what you have just written, "Baruch, the Lord has a message for you". Startled, you look up at Jeremiah, squinting and blinking your eyes, as you try to refocus from intently staring at the scroll, puzzled by this unexpected proclamation. "What message could the Lord possibly have for me", you wonder.  Jeremiah continues, "He says, you said, 'Woe is me. The Lord has added sorrow to my pain. I am weary with groaning, I have no rest."

Oh Baruch, you're singing my song.
Why were you whining?
Did you have any idea the Lord was listening?

Well, my friend, the Lord has a question for you, Jeremiah adds.
"Do you seek great things for yourself, Baruch?"
Do you seek great things for yourself?
Gulp. "umm, maybe?"
Your life, Baruch, is a gift that I have given to you, though just barely, for you will live, as a prisoner of war is  spared his life. You will not receive glory in return for your service, just gratitude for the grace that saves your life, gratitude to the One that "snatches you from the fire like a burning stick".

Curiously, we read this account in chapter 45 of Jeremiah, even though the actual dictating is recorded in chapter 36. The story tells us that, after reading the scroll in public, Baruch had to go into hiding with Jeremiah for fear of his life. Eventually, the king burned the whole scroll in the fire, and the Lord commanded Jeremiah and Baruch to do it all over again. It was probably during this second writing that the Lord confronts Baruch about his attitude. I say this because I think the timing would explain his tale of woe.

Was he suffering because his expectations were not met? Had he expected to receive fame for being such an important scribe, a promotion, maybe? Was he disillusioned by being persecuted instead?

What if the Lord confronted us this way every time we moaned and groaned about circumstances? Would He ask you the same question, "do you expect great things for yourself?"
What if His question was something like this, "why do you sit there and complain, were you expecting something different?" You would probably have to answer "yes", because we all tend to  have expectations that are not met, to expect more than what we get, to expect something else.
Does our disillusionment and disappointment from unmet expectations feel like suffering?
Yep, it feels like the end of the world sometimes, like agony, like the "depths of despair", as Anne Shirley would say. It makes us stare so intently at ourselves, that, when we do finally look up, our vision is blurred.

The tune of my suffering has some very bitter notes like whining, pouting, anger, and self-pity.
Something is off key. These words, this tone, are a long way from the joy and rejoicing that Paul, Peter and Jesus say suffering should bring. Have I made a wrong turn somewhere?
Recalculating.

Isn't it a good thing that God brings suffering into my life to help me make the right turns, to help me along to that death, to help me feel the cross on my back?
Good thing, huh? Right. Are you shaking or nodding that head?

Well, I know this. When I do reach for that cross, three quarters of what I think of as suffering evaporates. What's left is a beautiful "countercultural" suffering, the kind of suffering that has joy attached. The evaporating kind, when I die to self, is the suffering that comes from unmet expectations, from seeking fair treatment, from misconceived justice and misplaced belief in "karma", that good deserves good in return.

The dissonance is telling me something.
It's telling me that my flesh needs to die.

Symbiotic Relationship

"It is good for me that I was afflicted, 

that I might learn your statutes." 

psalm119:71

Suffering, says the psalm writer,  is the avenue through which I learn more of God's word, therefore, it is a good thing that I suffer. *choke*
Indeed, suffering, trials, and discipline have made me dependent on God's word like a kidney failure patient is dependent on dialysis, but still, it never occurred to me to say, "how good it is to suffer!" Maybe the benefits just didn't excite me enough to say that.

I used to wish all the time that I would have a desire for the Word of God, even prayed for it. Why did it never seem to materialize? I have at least one theory as to why, are you interested?

To be truly spiritual, you have to read your Bible everyday, right? As a young person growing up attending church and camp, I heard this all the time. I wanted to comply, wanted to look spiritual, wanted to be like the godly examples of others so that I could be an example as well. Unfortunately, appearance and people pleasing are fleshly motivations, unable to produce the desire I knew was missing.

Let me illustrate my theory with a look at how we desire food, which I will classify into two categories: cravings and hunger. Cravings, or hankerings for foods, come most often when our appetites are satisfied.  Cravings, at its basic level, is really just lust, seeking after what is sensational and tantalizing.
Hunger is a more desperate need for food brought on by starving, it drives us to eat something more substantial in order to survive. Hunger, at its most basic level, is the difference between life and death.

I thought I wanted to hunger after God's word, but what I was really hoping for was to satisfy my cravings. I never let my flesh get hungry, so all that was left was a chance that I might "hanker" after God's word. As long as I kept satisfying my fleshly appetite with sensational cravings, I was never going to crave God's word, much less hunger after it.

The truth was that the Bible didn't excite me enough. I loved reading fiction, loved the feeling of being drawn into those worlds, and lost in the feelings those stories ignited. The Bible just couldn't appeal to me on the same level, so I found myself always choosing other delights. My mistake was expecting the Bible to appeal to my flesh. God's word is not the answer to cravings, it is satisfaction to the desperately hungry soul, and we won't be hungry unless we starve the flesh.
Do you imagine that your flesh will ever want to live off what God has to say?

You may already know that Psalm 119 is dedicated to a love of God's word, law, precepts, statutes, etc., but have you noticed that it has a great deal to say about suffering as well? While reading this psalm, I came to understand that suffering and the word of God are in a symbiotic relationship; they cannot live without each other. Compare the verse above "It is good for me that I was afflicted that I might learn your statues." ( v. 71), with another verse in Psalm 119, "If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction." (v. 92). Do you see it?
By suffering, I turn to the Word.
By the Word, I survive the suffering.
They are mutually dependent.

Look into this psalm at more of what God's word is meant to do for you in the midst of suffering. May it encourage your soul as it has mine.

"My soul weeps because of grief; 

strengthen me according to your word." 28

"This is my comfort in my affliction, 

that your word has revived me." 50

"The cords of the wicked have encircled me, 

but I have not forgotten your law." 61

"It is good for me that I was afflicted, 

that I might learn your statutes." 71

"I know, O Lord, that your judgments are righteous, 

and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me." 75

"If your law had not been my delight, 

then I would have perished in my affliction." 92

"I will never forget your precepts, 

for by them You have revived me." 93

"I am exceedingly afflicted, 

revive me, O Lord, according to your word." 107

Every attempt I made at reading through the whole Bible eventually sputtered and died before I got to the end. When that would happen, I rationalized it away by telling myself that the Bible could be consumed in little bits here and there, that parts were just as good as the whole. In reality, I was just making excuses for my failure. Bible reading checklists were available, but I refused to use them because they seemed too mechanical. Funny thing is, God has created me with a task finishing personality, "mechanical" is the best approach for me. "Know thyself" the way God has designed you; it can open very practical doors to success. I'm now on my 8th reading, and what a difference it has made in my life!

So when I found myself emerging from depression, realizing that I was dependent on God's Word like never before, that it gave me life and breath, that to become disconnected from it would be to suddenly lose the very oxygen I breathe to stay alive, I remembered my prayer. After all these years, I finally desired the Word of God. I cried tears of joy, marveling that my Lord would do such a thing, admitting that I would have never chosen the suffering that He used to bring me to this point, thanking Him that He did.

"I know, O Lord, that your decisions are fair, 

you disciplined me because I needed it. 

Now let your unfailing love comfort me, your servant. 

Surround me with your tender mercies so I may live, 

for your law is my delight." (v. 75-76)

"Forever O Lord, your word stands firm in heaven. 

Your faithfulness extends to every generation, 

as enduring as the earth You created. 

Your laws remain true today, for everything serves your plans.

If your law hadn't sustained me with joy, 

I would have died in my misery. 

I will never forget your commandments, 

for by them you give me life."  (v. 89-93) 

new living translation

The eternal endurance and Sovereign power of God's Word is my sustainer and restorer of joy.

Make it your truth!

Dumpster Diving Date

One day, my husband and I were having a date walk along the Mississippi River, when he saw some office chairs in a dumpster behind a hotel. "I'm gonna get one of those chairs," he declares. I look at him like he has lost his mind. This is the man who has never bought an office chair, because not a single chair in all the stores has been able to satisfy him. I had begun to think that the chair didn't exist that would meet his criteria. And yet, here he was excited about a chair in a dumpster! I was flabbergasted. There was a reason this chair had been rejected. How could he know, with just one glance, that this chair would be good enough to meet his standard? I was so confused; his excitement seemed totally inconsistent with his previous behavior. I was frustrated; I wondered if I really knew this man I had been married to for 25 years, if it would ever be possible to understand him. Asking him to explain himself while actually listening to his reply, I learned something I had never understood about him before.
He was being consistent to a value he had held all his life, that is, if he spends money on an object, any amount of money (even as little as 50 cents), that object must be subjected to a rigorous evaluation of worth, but if that object costs zero money to him, it is instantly free of his strict scrutiny, worthy of whatever it takes to recover it.
Let me tell you, trying to understand my husband through my own set of values will always fail.

Most people assume they understand the values of God in the Old Testament, that He is driven more to seek retribution on the wicked, and therefore assume the He is different from the God of the New Testament.
Are there essentially two different Gods, with two different sets of values? Does He act so inconsistently from one age to another? Could we be trying to understand Him through our own value system? Could it be that we don't really know Him as well as we think we do?

God is holy, and being holy, He must judge sin.
But God is also love, and in His great love, He restores the sinner.
This is not inconsistent behavior, nor has God acted inconsistently in history. This is true of my God in both the Old and the New Testaments. Has God judged the wicked in the past? Absolutely! Will He make a final judgment for the wicked in the future? You can be sure of it.
Just as He has done throughout all time, God willingly forgives the sinner who turns to Him, whether he comes at the beginning of his life or in the very last second.

Manasseh, son of Hezekiah and Hephzibah, became king of Judah at 12 years of age. He would eventually take Judah into an age of more wickedness than the nation had ever known, more even than all the nations around them. Manasseh would make his sons walk through the fire in the valley of Ben-hinnom. Reigning 55 years, he filled Jerusalem from one end to the other with innocent blood. Their evil so angered the Lord, He said, "I will wipe Jerusalem as one wipes a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down." Why did the Lord let him reign that long!
If you were to only read Manasseh's story in 2kings21, you would conclude that such an evil man would never repent, and you would be wrong. There is another record of his life in 2chronicles33 that tells us, what I consider to be, the most amazing story of restoration in the Bible.
Manasseh so stubbornly rejected the Lord's words, that He sent the king of Assyria to haul him off by a thong in his nose all the way to Babylon. Did that get his attention? Can the most evil king Judah has ever known receive mercy from God? Does that much mercy exist?
Manasseh did humble himself before the Lord, finally turning to Him as he should have long before. The Lord heard his prayer, and was moved by his pleas to bring him back to Jerusalem.

"As I live!" declares the Lord God, 'I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked".
If the righteous man turns to evil,
all his righteousness will not save him.
If a wicked man turns from his sin,
he will live and his sins will not be counted against him.
Now, Israel, you say to this, "the way of the Lord is not right", then "I will judge you according to your ways," the Lord says.
(ezekiel33:17-20)

There is a final day coming when our works will be judged. According to 1corinthians 3:13-15, each man's works will be tested with fire. These are the works of the man who has built his foundation on Jesus Christ, but even if his works don't survive the fire, he will be saved, because he is already justified apart from his works. God does not decide whether to declare us right by observing and keeping account of each of our individual acts of good or bad, as if we were harvesting a crop, where each piece of fruit is examined and credited to our account, or where we are judged based on which basket outweighs the other. He desires to show compassion, to give His mercy to whomever He chooses. But the quantity of His mercy comes in buckets the size of oceans, an inexhaustible supply. If you wish to have Him switch to using thimbles and be stingy with His grace, if you want Him to only give as much as you deserve, if you prefer to have Him live by your standard of measurement, then....well, I pity you. Be careful of what you seek.

 "Jacob I loved, Esau I hated" (malachi1:2f)
Is God right in doing this? Is it okay with you that He chooses to love one and hate the other? There is no injustice with God.
Is there??
"Never", Paul would say and here is his argument in Romans9:
The Lord said to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy and compassion on whom I have compassion." (exodus33:19)
It doesn't depend on the will or actions of man, but on God who has mercy. Does the thing molded say to the molder "why have you made me this way? The potter has the right to make something common or make something honorable out of the same piece of clay.
So, what if God, fully willing and right to show His power by destroying vessels of wrath, chooses, through great patience, to hold back the wrath and instead show the great riches of His glory on vessels of mercy.
Our Lord is consistently righteous in all He does, and at the same time, richly merciful to the unrighteous.

I've thought about compiling, from both the Old and New Testaments, all the evidence backing up this claim, and giving it to you here, but, the truth is, it would take up the space of a whole additional book to do that. And then I thought, "silly you", the book has already been written, it's called the Bible. This is not a cop-out statement on my part; this is a challenge for you. I challenge you to read it through, jotting down all the evidence of God's compassion, all the windows into His desires and values. Not only will you come to know Him better, you will learn to trust Him completely.

Not In My Vocabulary

They say that life is unfair.
They say, "no one ever said it would be fair."
As if that is supposed to convince me that it shouldn't be!
Well, I'm not convinced.
Just because no one ever said it, does that mean I shouldn't expect it?

Recently, at a conference for prospective missionaries, a young woman pulled a surprise prank. At this conference, my husband and I attend every year, the participants are randomly shuffled each day; their places arbitrarily chosen by the Director. Teachers get to stay where they choose. This year, for the first time, one participant reacted to the unexpected arrangement by shuffling us around too. I don't know what she was thinking, but I know that if I had been in her place, I would have thought to myself, it's only fair they be subjected to the same treatment.

If I have to be moved, it's only fair that everyone has to be moved as well.
You call me out on doing something wrong, you better make sure you are consistent in pointing out similar failures in others, because if you don't, I'll let you know.
Be fair. Always. In all situations. As I see it to be fair.

As long as I can remember, I have been an advocate of fairness and equality. I don't know if I can say I was born that way, but, even as a child, I had certainly developed an overly sensitive sense of fairness. My first memory of encountering unfairness was when my older siblings were all being taken to see "The Jungle Book" in a movie theater, while my twin brother and I were not allowed to go. Now, understand, in those days, a movie was a rare occurrence, videos didn't exist, and our television was still a little black and white job. I didn't need to know what a "movie" was to realize that I was clearly missing out on something very exciting, and the explanation that I was too young made no sense to me. It was all just too distressingly unfair! No matter how much begging and whining I did, the answer was always the same. How could my parents do this to me?! Why was I being deprived of this wonderful experience? Why was I being picked on? What excuse could be good enough to console me, when I was being cruelly denied pleasure? A pleasure, by the way, that was being freely bestowed on others, who were no more deserving than I was. It just wasn't fair!

That began my theme song.
I have to sleep on hard boards with my brother's feet in my face, while my older siblings get to sleep in the camper on beds. "That's not fair!"
She can eat anything she wants and not get fat. "That's not fair!"
They got pregnant the very first month they tried! "That's not fair!"
How come God gave that missionary a nice car that even has video monitors and didn't give us one just as nice? Are you saying we aren't as deserving as they are, God? "That's not fair!"

Fair: that which comes out the way I want it to.
Did you ever think the good brother of the prodigal son, in Luke 15, makes a justifiable point? I did.
"Look! All these years I've served you faithfully, never ignoring any of your commands, and you have NEVER EVER (my emphasis) thrown a party for me. But as soon as this other son of yours, who has spent all his money on prostitutes, comes back, you show him all this honor!"
I don't get it! That's not fair!

"You have made them equal to us"
When the vineyard workers, in the parable told in Matthew 20, saw their co-workers, who had hired on at the last hour, receive a full day's wage, they got to hoping for a big pay raise. Excitement built as they calculated their pay according to the new hourly wage. It would only be fair to be paid more. They had worked all day! They deserved it! They were in for a big surprise.
What! Are you kidding me? This is the same amount you gave the others!
"Didn't you agree to a day's wage when I hired you?", the vineyard owner asked, "Do I not have the right to pay these men what I want with my own money?"
Does my generosity make you envious?
In this way, the first shall be last and the last shall be first, the Lord says.
Are you saying that Your idea of equality will seem unfair to me, that Your gift of grace is bestowed equally, regardless of rank or order?

Did you notice, in my Jungle Book story, why it bugged me so much that I wasn't getting to go to the movies with my siblings? I took issue with the fact that they were no more deserving of this special treatment than I was. Why would I think that? Obviously, equality of reward means equal value, equal worth. To reward someone with more than is given to me is the same as telling me that I'm not worth as much.
Should reward be imbalanced?  Doesn't that seem just a tad unfair?

Walking with Jesus on the beach
After Jesus reveals to Peter that his death will involve suffering, He gives him the command "follow Me". Peter does exactly what I would do, he looks back at the other disciple, John, and asks, "what about him?" There's no doubt, Peter and John shared an elevated position in the group of disciples. I suppose, being of the same rank, Peter could be asking because he doesn't want his friend John to miss out on any blessings. Me, I would be wondering, "I hope John will have to suffer as much as me, because it wouldn't be fair if he didn't."
For things to be fair, you've got to compare.
Jesus answers, "what I do with him is none of your concern, you, Peter, follow Me!" (John 21)
Oooooh, smack, I hear that.

What do I conclude now, after years of singing my theme song?
The idea of fairness is flesh based, and it undermines my belief in God's justice.
"Fair" was never in Jesus's vocabulary, and it shouldn't be in mine.
To live by the "fair" rule is to invite misery to walk along with me. It only succeeds in making me discontent and blind to God's goodness. I compare and complain, speaking words that are no longer acceptable to God.
What probably shames me the most about my paradigm of fairness is that I made God out to be less than good, less than loving, less than perfect, less than God.
That is a sin!

Jesus "while being reviled, He did not revile in return, while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously." 1peter2:23