"I agree to not think too highly of myself, but to think of me only as I deserve, and if, by chance, others think more highly of me, I agree to think less of myself than they do."
What do you think? Do you agree to that?
Are those good enough terms for humility?
If they are, we could wrap up this chapter right now and be done.
We are not done!
As I think about this next step in crosswalking, images of operating on someone comes to mind, like the crude manner of digging around to remove a bullet from a gunshot wound, or the process of first bombarding cancer with chemicals, radiation or both, followed by the surgeon's skillful hands to remove as much of the cancer cells as he can find. Though one image is as refined as the other isn't, they both involve pain, and neither seems pleasant.
Sufferings and weaknesses seem to hit us from outside our control. God aims them specifically at those areas that need His work to accomplish His purposes. They hurt for sure, but our involvement with them has only been in exposing flesh and building endurance. To progress further in this journey of crosswalking is to get really personal, to get in there and get your hands dirty. We are at that point now of digging and scraping, of tweezers and magnifying glass, of having to be more refined, more purposeful, more brutal. Now is the time for a steady hand and strong resolve.
Reality is cause for hesitation.
It is much harder to agree to something once you know the reality of the pain involved. Only to his first dentist visit, can you make a child think that it will be fun. Getting on the operating table isn't where it hurts; there is no anesthesia for recovery time that can block the painful memories.
I'm not trying to scare you off from proceeding, I just want you to count the cost. Living is dying, and dying hurts. You can't be a bystander anymore. You are the living sacrifice bound to the altar. You are the one carrying the cross.
"Do you say, "I am not willing to be poured out right now, and I don't want God to tell me how to serve Him. I want to choose the place of my own sacrifice. And I want to have certain people watching me and saying 'Well done.'" It is one thing to follow God's way of service if you are regarded as a hero, but quite another thing if the road marked out for you by God requires becoming a "doormat" under other people's feet. God's purpose may be to teach you to say " I know how to be abased..." (Phil. 4:12) Are you ready to be sacrificed like that? Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? "Bind the sacrifice with cords to the horns of the altar" (Ps. 118:27). You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents - burning, purification, and separation for only one purpose - the elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed toward God."
Oswald Chambers
So what are the terms of humility?
If you can be humble enough to receive these words written by Raphael Cardinal Merry del Val and recorded in a Jesuit book of prayers, I would propose that you make the following litany of humility the terms to which you agree.
O Jesus meek and humble of heart hear me
From the desire of being esteemed
from the desire of being loved
from the desire of being extolled
from the desire of being honored
from the desire of being praised
from the desire of being preferred to others
from the desire of being consulted
from the desire of being approved
from the fear of being humiliated
from the fear of being despised
from the fear of suffering rebukes
from the fear of being falsely accused
from the fear of being forgotten
from the fear of being ridiculed
from the fear of being wronged
from the fear of being suspected
Deliver me Jesus
That others may be loved more than I
That others may be esteemed more than I
that, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease
That others may be chosen and I set aside
That others may be praised and I unnoticed
That others may be preferred before me in everything
That others become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should.
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
